Repairing the Present
by retailavenger85
Summary: A sequel to "Escaping the Past", this story takes place during ME2 as Kaidan deals with Shepard's death and resurrection, then follows her adventure through rumor and secret communications. Short,, since there isn't lots of ME2 Kaidan action. Really just a bridge between the two big stories. Followed by "Creating the Future."
1. Chapter 1

(A/N Hello! You found me! So, this is a continuation of my head canon story, so if you didn't read my ME1 story "Escaping the Past", go find it now and read it. It's cool, I'll wait here. … Okay. So if you are here, you are obviously a Fem!Shep/Kaidan shipper like myself, or just enjoy all of the different Mass Effect story lines. I know how much ME2 sucked for the two of them, so I tried to think out what was going on in Kaidan's head during the whole thing. So here's my thoughts on what happened, as he finds out through various sources about what Shepard is doing. Since we obviously don't see what he's doing for the whole game except for one horrible little moment, most of this is going to be speculative. A big note here, I've been really careful to stay away from ME3 spoilers, the game isn't out for another 2 ½ months at this point. I don't think I'll be done with this by then, but if anything in ME3 seriously contradicts something I've written here, I will come back and change things around to fit with my personal game canon. The only thing I know is that Kaidan will be back, and romancable. Raphael Sbarge said in his audio blog that the scene he recorded was "steamy". So yay to that. Anyway my friends, lets get down to it. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy!)

CHAPTER 1

A month had passed since the battle for the Citadel. Three weeks since shore leave had ended. The non-human crew had departed, and the Normandy was on scouting patrols, looking for remaining pockets of Geth. Kaidan already missed their alien companions, they had all started building friendships, and the few extranet messages they had exchanged just weren't the same. Tali had thrown herself back into her Geth research, Liara was trying to get back to Ilos, Wrex had disappeared onto the Krogan homeworld, and Garrus had gone back to C-sec. The ship was quieter, the action few and far between, and Kaidan was extremely frustrated. _Maybe entering a secret relationship with the CO was a bad idea. _After spending three blissful days together, walking on the beach, watching vids, and curling up together at night, they were reduced to long glances, lingering handshakes, and very few desperate stolen moments in shadows. They had worked hard to keep things professional, Shepard acted as she always had, and he pretended not to mind when he stayed behind on missions. He didn't actually stay behind that often, he was her highest ranking officer, biotic, and tech expert, but when she did, he spent the entire time in the cockpit with Joker. If he stayed by himself, he would drive himself crazy with worry. It was stupid, he knew, but he still felt the protective urges. When she came back to the safety of the Normandy, he felt the horrible weight lift off him.

Shepard was frustrated as well. Instead of pursuing the threat of the Reapers, the Council had them chasing Geth. After following another false lead to a far corner of the galaxy, she climbed out of the Mako in a huff, and stomped away towards the armory. Corporal Emerson, a marine that had recently been assigned to the Normandy, looked nervously at Kaidan.

"Is she alright, Lieutenant?"

"She's fine. She's just frustrated." Kaidan sighed, and pulled himself out of the transport. "I'll go talk to the Commander."

He walked across the empty flight deck, followed by Emerson. The mission had taken longer then they had planned, and most of the Normandy crew was asleep.

"Commander. Is there anything I can do for you?"

She turned, a dark expression on her face.

"Anyone could be doing this. Why are they wasting us?" She said. "I'm starting to think they don't believe me about the Reapers."

"They have to believe you. Everyone saw Sovereign!"

"I know. I just think something strange is going on." She sighed, and folded her arms across her chest. "I thought being a Spectre would mean we would be doing bigger and better things. They have half the fleet out chasing Geth. We should be figuring out how to stop the Reapers."

Kaidan reached out to brush her hair out of her eyes, but stopped, remembering at the last minute that they weren't alone. They watched the Corporal put away his hardsuit and weapons before heading to the elevator. Once they heard the doors close, Shepard balled her hands into fists and hit them gently against Kaidan's chest before slowly falling against him.

"I hate feeling useless." She murmured. "I'm supposed to be saving the galaxy."

Leaning his forehead against hers, he breathed in deeply, the smell of her filling his lungs and making his brain go slightly fuzzy.

"We'll figure it out somehow. Everything is going to work out."

"You're getting better at being a sympathetic shoulder." She laughed, and pulled away to remove her armor.

After putting away the last of his own armor, he felt Shepard grab him by the arm.

"I think I need a bit more than a shoulder right now."

They stepped into the shadows of the flight deck, and he leaned her up against a wall, and took a moment to study her face, the hardness of her frustration melting away as she looked up at him. A slight bruise was growing on her forehead, a souvenir from the Mako and her poor driving skills, and the freckles she had gained on shore leave were scattered across her cheeks and nose, but were starting to fade. He glanced to the side to make sure they were truly alone, then pushed himself up against her and kissed her deeply. Her hands ran up his back and into his hair, gripping tightly as he lifted her off the floor. They broke apart to breathe, and Shepard grinning up at him.

"One day we are going to get caught, you know." She sighed, and buried her face in his chest. "At least that would give us some excitement."

"I don't know." He stroked her hair gently. "If the Reapers do show up, don't you think its going to be crazy? You remember the last one we saw? We can't take one on alone. Its probably best that we stick near the fleet until we figure out what's going on."

"Maybe you're right. I just want to get out there. I wish there was some way of convincing the council..."

"Well..." Kaidan pushed himself away so he could look at her. "I know you saved the council, and Anderson is on it now... but... you don't have a very good track record of keeping your temper with them."

She wrinkled her nose at him, and nodded.

"Then let's just enjoy this. Who knows when we'll get to be alone again?"

"I think this is the third time since I got back onboard."

"Exactly. And even now we aren't actually alone. You know Joker's listening to us."

The silence that filled the room almost had a guilty feel to it. Since they had both spent half of their shore leave on the Normandy, Shepard and Joker apparently had a long conversation on the nature of privacy and discretion. Or as Joker had put it, she lectured him for an hour about eavesdropping.

"We should get to sleep. We're hitting a new system in a few hours."

They kissed again, clinging to each other tightly, neither one wanting to let go. Pulling apart sadly, they made their way to the elevator.

For once, Kaidan appreciated the slowness of the lift, it gave them one last chance to embrace. They sprung apart as the doors opened, much to the amusement of Doctor Chakwas. Shepard coughed awkwardly.

"Remember that thing we discussed, Lieutenant. Dismissed." Without looking at him or the doctor, she walked quickly out of the elevator and around the corner.

"Lieutenant Alenko." Chakwas said, trying to hide a smile. "No migraines recently?"

"Um. No."

"That's good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go restock the MediGel in engineering."

They switched places, Kaidan stepping off the lift as she stepped on. He made a point not to turn around as he walked away, but felt himself wince as he heard her laughing as the door closed. _Damn. _Shepard's door was already closed, he lingered for a moment, half tempted to follow her in, finish what they had started on the flight deck. _I can't. It's just too risky. Dammit. _He rested his head against the wall for a moment, then headed into a sleep pod for a few hours of restless sleep.

The next morning, he was back down on the flight deck, talking to the requisitions officer about some armor upgrades. It was hard to concentrate, his eyes kept drifting away to the far corner. If he concentrated hard enough, he could still smell her shampoo faintly, the light vanilla imprinted on his mind. Sighing heavily, he tried to tune back into the conversation.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I asked if you wanted to check out any of the new pistol modifications we picked up last time we were at the Citadel."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. I lost my train of thought when we went through that last relay. I think I'm good on modifications." He idly ran his hand over his sidearm. Shepard had already modded extensively before giving it to him.

"Yeah. Where are we now?"

"Omega Nebula. Amada system."

"We've been out here for days. You'd think we'd have found something by now."

Kaidan was about to answer when a loud siren went off. _Evasive maneuvers? What the hell is going on? _The ship pitched sideways, sending Kaidan stumbling back towards his locker. As everything leveled out, he flung the small door on and climbed into his hardsuit. _Once we get away from whoever this is, Shepard will probably want to give chase. I should be ready_.He bolted towards the elevator, still strapping everything into place. _I need to find Shepard. _An explosion rocked the ship as the elevator rose slowly upwards. _Comeoncomeoncomeon_... He locked his helmet into place, dreading that the lift doors would open into dead space.

"Joker! What the hell is going on?" He yelled into his comms.

"Some unknown ship's trying to blast us out of the sky!"

When the doors finally did open, it wasn't space that greeted him, but fire.

"It's bad down here Joker, have Pressly get you down to the escape pods!"

"Pressly's dead, Alenko. I can get us out of this!"

"The ship's blowing up, Joker!"

"I can do it!"

Kaidan ran towards Shepard's cabin, she could order sense into their pilot; her door was jammed open, the room empty. Kaidan searched frantically, then saw her at the console past the sleeper pods, silhouetted by flames.

"Shepard!" He called out to her. She locked her helmet into place, and turned to face him.

"Distress beacon is ready for launch." Her voice was calm, but he could hear her breathing over their comms. Her breaths were short, as if she were struggling to keep her composure.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" A panel next to him exploded, knocking him into one of the pods. He groaned at the impact, then pulled himself upright.

"The Alliance won't abandon us. Get everyone onto the escape shuttles!" She grabbed an extinguisher, and started spraying the fires that blocked the hatches, before tossing it to him.

"Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship." He turned to face her. "I'm not leaving either!"

"I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles." She grabbed his arm, and pressed her helmet to his. Through the glass of his visor, he could see her eyes desperately looking up at him, flames reflecting in them as their world burned down around them. "I'll take care of Joker." She turned to run towards the stairs as another explosion shook the ship.

"Commander!" Kaidan said desperately.

"Kaidan, go. Now!" She yelled, and was gone.

"Aye aye."

He found a group of crew members huddled around the mess table, cringing away from the flames.

"You're going to have to run for the shuttles!" He yelled at them. "If you go quickly, you'll be fine. Once your shuttle is full, deploy it! We've already sent the distress beacon."

He stood at the bottom of the stairs and directed crew to the hatches. _I hope the people in engineering got to their shuttles all right. They'll never make it up the elevator in time._

Doctor Chakwas ran out of the med center and practically flung herself towards him, followed by several marines.

"This is the last of them! We need to go now!" She cried. Kaidan nodded.

"Follow me!" He took off running towards the last escape shuttle. "Everybody in! Go, go!" He hustled everyone in, waiting for the last ensign to catch up. She turned at the last second as a huge explosion ripped through the cabin. Her scream was cut short, her burned body crumpled to the floor. _Dammit. _Kaidan stepped out to grab her, but Chakwas called him back.

"She's dead, Lieutenant. We need to go."

Kaidan strapped himself and hit the release button. Everything pulled to the side as their shuttle hurtled away from the burning Normandy into space.

Kaidan took his helmet off and slowly turned it in his hands. His mind flashed back the aftermath of their earlier mission on Luna. _Shepard just sat there, staring at her blood covered helmet._ _That mission made me a wreck about her. When that last explosion went off, and she wasn't moving... _He shook the miserable image from him head, and tried to focus. _She's going to be fine. She always is. There is a pod right next to the cockpit. She's strong enough to carry Joker, they just have to get to it. _He looked up to see Chakwas staring at him.

"Someone will come for us soon. There are other Alliance ships in this sector."

He nodded, but continued to fidget. Nothing would be alright until he saw Shepard again, and knew she was safe. He rested his head against the restraints of the seats, and listened to the gentle sobbing of the private next to Chakwas. The doctor was awkwardly holding the girl's hand, trying to give what comfort she could. Kaidan was almost grateful for the noise, if the pod had been silent, he would have gone crazy. His mind was already drifting to the horrible quiet after Sovereign's explosion. _If only I could have heard her, it wouldn't have been so bad. But the crushing silence, thinking she was dead and buried under burning rubble... _He coughed loudly, and rubbed his temples. _Stop thinking like that. She's going to be fine. She has to be fine._ _Think about happy things, dammit. _ He let his mind drift back to shore leave, to waking up with Shepard in his arms. The way her hair always smelled slightly of vanilla, her secret red toenails, how her skin was always warm, even when she complained she was cold. He sighed, and started turning his helmet again. Every happy thought he had was about Shepard, and he wasn't going to rest easily until they were all rescued.

After several long hours, a loud banging noise signaled their salvation. The hatch swung open, and hands reached in to help them out. Kaidan stepped onto the flight deck of what appeared to be a large cruiser. He wasn't sure which one, and at the moment he didn't care.

"Did you recover all the pods?" He asked, grabbing the nearest crew member. The stunned corporal nodded, pointing over Kaidan's shoulder. All of the Normandy escape shuttles were lined up, slowly being opened one by one. He watched nervously, as each pod failed to contain Shepard. Finally, several people helped a shaken Joker through a hatch and onto the deck. Breathing out, Kaidan started walking towards the pod, a grin spreading across his face. _Its completely normal for me to great her. It looks like I'm the highest ranking surviving officer. I need to give her a status update. _Joker looked up as he approached, and the look on the pilot's face turned Kaidan's blood to ice. _Something's wrong. Maybe she's hurt. That's why she's not getting out of the pod... she's not getting out of the pod._ All composure gone, he bolted to the shuttle. It was empty.

His ears filled with a roaring noise as all air left his lungs and his world crumbled. Everything in his vision went red. He spun to face Joker.

"Where. Is. Shepard." He could barely get the words out.

Joker mumbled something as he was helped onto a stretcher.

"What."

He repeated it, no louder than the first time.

"Joker. Where. The fuck. Is Shepard." Kaidan leaned towards his friend, dreading the answer he knew was coming. Joker's voice cracked with grief as he spoke the worst word in the galaxy.

"Spaced."

Kaidan threw his helmet across the flight deck with enough force to crack the visor, and everyone turned to stare. He felt firm pressure on his arms as Doctor Chakwas came up behind him, and started pushing him towards a small door.

"Don't do this here." She hissed at him, and turned to a member of their rescue party. "He's suffering from stress and a biotic migraine. I need to treat him somewhere quiet." Following the pointing finger, she steered Kaidan into a small office and closed the door. "Now, Lieutenant, you may have your breakdown."

In the silence of the small room, all of his strength left him, and he collapsed to his knees.

"I should have gone with her." He said, choking back his grief and rage. "I could have done something. I could have saved her!"

"But you saved so many of us. You saved my life."

"You're not HER!" He yelled. "We were going to muster out. We were going to survive this whole mess and live a normal life together." Hot tears of anger ran down his face, and he looked up at the doctor. "We were going to be happy."

"I'm so sorry, Lieutenant." She placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "I suspected there was something between you two, but I did not know it was that serious."

He looked up, quizzically. Breathing was taking to much effort for him to speak.

"I'm a good observer of people. Beside, when you brought her back from Eden Prime, I could tell you felt something for her. And she for you."

"What?" He gasped out.

"The way she watched you walk of the med bay. She asked about you after, as well. She wanted to know all about you and your biotics." She stopped, looking guilty. "I'm sorry. This isn't what you want to hear right now. But I can't let you go back out there. If they see you like this, it could destroy your career."

"I don't want this anymore." He buried his head in his hands. "I want Shepard."

"She's gone." Chakwas' voice shook, the stress of the day finally getting to her. "You have to carry on. You have to finish what she started."

Kaidan felt a sting in his neck as the doctor injected him with a tranquilizer. As he felt himself slump over, he looked up at her blurry face.

"If you knew, why didn't you turn us in?"

"Your happiness wasn't hurting anyone. Until now."

His last conscious thought before passing out was of Shepard, separated from him by the glass of their helmets. She blinked slowly, then turned away from him to run through the flames to her doom.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Kaidan opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. He had been discharged from the Alliance medical facility after a few hours, having sustained no major medical trauma from the Normandy's destruction. The Citadel was still severely damaged from Sovereign's attack, but the Alliance had managed to put up the survivors in an evacuated hotel. As an officer, Kaidan was given the luxury of his own room, and he had refused to come out, spending his days lying in the dark. His finger idly ran over the sheet, tracing the path he had drawn on Shepard's back when she was freckled. A dark feeling gnawed at his stomach, the cold sinking feeling when you've done something horrible. _I should have sent her with the crew. I should have gotten Joker. It should have been me. That's twice I've escaped death at the cost of someone else. Why am I still here? _

The door buzzer went off, and he groaned. _Why can't people leave me alone? _

"Go away, Doc. I'm not hungry." He called out, pulling a pillow over his face. The door slide open anyway, and boots padded over to him. There was a loud thud of something heavy being dropped on the ground, before someone sat on the edge of the bed.

"Look, everyone is really worried about you." The low, scratchy voice of Garrus was a surprise to Kaidan. He had been expecting Doctor Chakwas, she had been bringing him food the last few days and making him eat. He felt the pillow lift off his head, and blinked at the light. Garrus stared down at him, a look of concern of his face. "You've been in here for days. Joker is convinced you hate him, and Shepard's memorial is in four hours. You have to pull yourself together. Chakwas has been lying to cover you, saying the explosions triggered a series of biotic migraines. But people are starting to suspect things."

Sighing heavily, Kaidan pulled himself into a sitting position. Garrus grimaced.

"You really need to take a shower. Your hair is all over the place. I'll get your dress blues ready while you clean up."

"I don't have them." Kaidan stretched his arms out and stood up. "All of my stuff blew up, remember?"

Garrus nudged a large bag on the floor with his foot.

"This package arrived for you today from Earth. Did you store spare uniforms with your family?"

Nodding gratefully, he left Garrus unpacking the bag, and stepped into the bathroom to take his first shower since getting out of the med units. As the water rushed over him, he leaned his head on the cool tiles and tried to gather himself. _I'm not ready for this. _He pushed his hair out of his face, turned the water off, and wrapped a large hotel towel around his waist. Grabbing a second towel, he rubbed his hair with it and walked back into his room. His backup dress blues were hanging on the closet door, and Garrus was sitting awkwardly on his bed, a small paper wrapped package in his hands.

"This was in the bottom of the bag." He held it out to Kaidan. "I don't know if now is the best time to look at this, but you should definitely have it."

As Kaidan took the package from his friend, he realized it wasn't actually wrapped, just tucked carefully into a small paper bag. He reached in an pulled out a small holophoto. Clicking it on, Shepard's laughing face looked up at him. It was the photo they had taken on shore leave. _Where did mom find this? I thought I hid it... _He sat next to Garrus on the bed. _I hid it with my spare uniforms. Fuck. _

"I should go so you can get ready." Garrus stood up. "We'll be down in the lobby waiting for you." He put his hand on Kaidan's shoulder and gave a reassuring squeeze with his talon-like fingers. He left after a brief moment, letting the door close softly.

Kaidan contemplated crawling back into bed. _I could just put the pillow back over my face and let this all go away. But if Shepard could see me know, she'd kick my ass for being so soft. _He finished drying off and styling his hair, then got dressed. Buttoning his jacket, he stared at himself in the mirror. _I look like me, but I don't feel like me. Its like part of me is missing. _He rubbed the back of his neck, slipped the holophoto into his pocket and left the room to meet Garrus and Joker.

The lobby was filled with Alliance officers in dress uniform, but Garrus was easy to find, the Turian stood a whole head taller than the humans. Kaidan made his way through the crowd to his friends, and Joker glanced up from his wheelchair, an anxious look on his face. They hadn't seen each other since Kaidan's meltdown on their rescue ship.

"Hey, Lieutenant." _Garrus is right. Joker does think I blame him. I don't. I blame myself. I should have gone to get Joker._

"Joker, you doing okay? Anything get broken?"

"Cracked a few ribs, snapped my right arm, I guess I'm lucky that's everything. How are you doing with all this?"

Kaidan knelt down so he was at eye level with Joker.

"Look. This isn't your fault. Shepard had to save you. She is.. was... completely unable to leave people behind when there was still hope." Talking about Shepard in the past tense was going to be a hard adjustment to make. Part of him kept expecting her to appear out of the crowd. "You saw how broken up she was when we had to leave Ash."

Joker nodded, the anxiety slipping out of his eyes. He looked past Kaidan, and cleared his throat as a hush fell over the room. Councilor Anderson was standing near the door, waiting for everyone to come to attention.

"We'll be moving out onto the presidium, I want everyone standing in parade formation. Lieutenant Alenko?" Everyone turned to stare at Kaidan. "You're the highest ranking survivor of the Normandy. You and Flight Lieutenant Moreau will stand at the head with me. Vakarian, due to your relationship with the Commander, and cooperation with the Alliance, you will join us." He turned and disappeared out the door as marines filed out after him.

"Time to go." Garrus said. "Are you ready for this?"

"I'll never be ready." Kaidan admitted. "But this is something we have to do."

They followed the crowd out into the fake sunlight of the Presidium. Kaidan was shocked by the number of civilians milling around. Since Shepard had no family, he had assumed it would be a strictly military event. But she had helped so many people, taken care of so many problems, that respects were due. He recognized the doctor from the the wards, Gianna Parasini from Noveria, and the sobbing mess of Conrad Verner. Ducking his head to avoid the strange man, he made his way to the front of the crowd, Garrus and Joker close behind. Joker had gotten a new wheelchair out of stores, this one had a better motor and moved faster than his previous chairs.

"Was anyone else able to make it?" Kaidan asked. "Tali, Liara or Wrex?"

Garrus shook his head.

"Tali and Wrex are with their people, we weren't able to get word to them in time. Tali is quite angry she couldn't make it in time." He made a face that Kaidan thought was a grimace. "We can't find Liara. She's been out of contact since the crash. No one knows where she is."

The front rows were full of the surviving Normandy crew. They stood in solemn ranks, several of them still in slings and bandages. One private with a broken leg was confined to a wheelchair. Like Ashley's funeral, there was no body recovered. A folded pair of dress blues sat on a small table, under a large copy of Shepard's identification photo. Kaidan's heart sank. _That uniform came out of stores, you can see its never been worn. And that photo, that's not her. She was almost always smiling. There was always that hint of laughter in her eyes. Not in that photo though. She only ever looked like that when she was angry or in combat. That's not my Shepard. _His fingers reached into his pocket and felt the edge of the holophoto. He felt his stomach turn. At Ashley's service, he had reached out and felt the warmth of Shepard's fingertips, now all he had was the cold plastic of the photo. Taking a deep breath, he shook his head and stepped up next to Anderson. The Councilor nodded at Kaidan, then turned his attention to the Alliance Chaplain waiting patiently at a podium.

Garrus locked Joker's chair next to Kaidan, then took up position on the other side, next to Doctor Chakwas. Having a Turian standing in the ranks at a Commander's funeral was a huge deal, and a high honor for Garrus. A hand grabbed his arm, and he felt pressure as Joker tried to pull himself up with his good hand. Kaidan braced himself, Garrus grabbed his other side, and the helped the pilot out of his wheelchair.

"I'm going to hang on to you for support, Lieutenant."

"No problem, Joker. Let me know if you need to sit back down."

Joker stared at him.

"I meant for your support, Kaidan. I think you need it more than I do."

Out of the corner of his eye, Kaidan could see other marines staring at him. He leaned to the side slightly and hissed to Joker.

"Why are people staring at me?"

"Um." Joker looked guilty. "You two were one of the worst kept secrets in the Alliance."

"Why did they let us stay together?" His surprise cause his voice to raise louder than he had meant it to.

"Because you are an excellent soldier." Anderson's voice was soft, barely above a whisper. "And so was she."

Kaidan stared at him, feeling his face go red. He opened his mouth to ask how the Councilor knew, but the Chaplain clear his throat, and started the memorial.

Since Shepard's records were mostly sealed, the Chaplain had limited information to base his speech on, and spoke of the things everyone already knew about. Elysium and the Skyllian Blitz. Being the first human Spectre. Saving the Council. They would never know about the card games, the drinking, late night conversations. Her rough childhood. Her goats. The smell of her hair. The soft noises she made in her sleep. He blinked rapidly as he felt tears well up, and shook them off. _I will be like stone. I will not crack. _ He frowned. _At least not here. Not in front of all these people._

When the brief service was over, Anderson turned to face Kaidan and Joker.

"Alenko, Moreau. Tomorrow morning I would like you both to report to my office for reassignment. Until then, you are dismissed for Shepard's wake." He nodded at Joker, and clasped Kaidan on the shoulder, his hand resting slightly longer than normal. Then with a grimace, he turned and left to go speak to the Elcor ambassador.

"Can we leave?" Joker said from his chair. "Everyone is staring at us and I need a drink."

"Good idea. Garrus, what's nearby?"

The Turian frowned.

"The bar we went to before Virmire was destroyed in the attack, and I still don't think we are allowed in Chora's Den." He briefly scanned the crowd. "I think they are holding an official wake at Flux."

Kaidan sighed. He hated clubs.

"Fine. Lets just go and get a drink."

As they made their way through the wards towards the bar, Kaidan came to a dead stop. Ahead of him was the balcony he, Ashley and Shepard had stood at on their first trip to the Citadel. In his mind, he saw them standing there, his face red with embarrassment while Ashley and Shepard laughed. He let the memory wash over him, warm and safe, until it faded away and the cold darkness returned. The emptiness of the railing twisted in him like a knife, and he turned away.

"Let's keep moving." He said miserably.

When they got to Flux, Kaidan and Joker headed over to a table while Garrus grabbed drinks from the bar.

"I'm really sorry, Kaidan." Joker gratefully accepted a large glass of beer from Garrus. "This sucks for me just as much. I know you guys had a thing, but you didn't see it happen. I did." He sighed, and took a large drink. "Dammit, if I wasn't so fucking frail, I could have had her. She was halfway into the pod when that last explosion knocked her back out..."

They stared into their drinks, the mental image no one wanted playing over in their heads.

"So Joker and I find out our fate tomorrow." Kaidan said, trying to clear his head. "Do you know what you're going to be doing?"

"Probably staying at C-Sec." Garrus responded. "Its going to be difficult going back to all the paperwork, but I want to make a difference. Not to sound cliche, but Shepard really showed me how much I can help people."

"It's a wake." Joker said dryly. "We're supposed to say things like that."

Kaidan gave up on trying to make conversation. He didn't want to hear about the way she died, or have people be overly nice to him, while pretending they didn't know about their relationship. Garrus pulled him back down as he tried to stand up and leave.

"You are not going back to your room to lie in bed and feel sorry for yourself." He said firmly. "Everyone is looking to you. If you can't hold it together, how is everyone else supposed to act?"

"This is why there are regs." Joker added. "Its the military. People die. I had to keep going after Ash got nuked..."

"But you were never... as close." Kaidan sighed, defeated. He knew they were right. It was unbecoming of an officer to behave like this. _I'll just wait until I get back to my room. Maybe I'll see the hotel left anything in the minibar and drink till I pass out. _

After several beers and long hours, Garrus returned to his quarters,while Kaidan and Joker slowly made their way back to their rooms. As he opened the door for Joker, the pilot looked up at him with a suspicious expression.

"Don't do anything stupid tonight, Alenko. You have to carry on what she started."

"I wasn't... I won't."

He left his friend, and headed down the hall to his own room. While unbuttoning his formal jacket, he stopped to pull the holophoto out of the pocket, but staring down at Shepard's bright smile hurt so much, he couldn't bear it. He placed the photo face down on his nightstand, the click of plastic on wood sounding harsh and judgmental in the small room.

He was in luck, there was one small mini bottle of tequila in the minibar. He unscrewed the cap and raised the bottle to his lips. _Fuck. What am I doing? Joker's right. I have to keep going. I'll just spend the rest of my life with the Alliance. If I can't have Shepard and a family, at least I'll do something worthwhile with myself. _He screwed the lid back on the bottle and put it in its lonely spot.

The next day, Kaidan and Joker headed down to Anderson's office for reassignment. They waited outside his office for ten minutes until Doctor Chakwas came out, a discouraged look on her face.

"Everything okay, Doc?" Joker asked cautiously.

"Oh, Yes. I'm being sent to the Mars Naval Medical Center." She sighed. "I'm going to miss being on ships."

"Is it just us here?" Kaidan looked around the empty waiting room.

"Most of the crew is being reassigned by Alliance Control. As officers, Councilor Anderson wanted to speak to us personally." She reached out and shook Kaidan's hand warmly. "Take care of yourself, Lieutenant. Even though I won't be your medical officer any longer, I still want to know if your migraines get worse. I want you to keep in touch. That goes for you as well, Joker." She smiled sadly,

and left the room, the doors closing behind her with a soft hiss.

"Do you think we'll ever see her again?" Kaidan asked, leaning his head against the wall. Before Joker could answer, the door to Anderson's office opened, and the Councilor stepped out.

"Moreau, I'll speak with you first. Come on in."

Joker pulled himself out of his wheelchair and slowly walked into the office, taking care not to bump into anything. Kaidan stretched his arms out, then awkwardly examined his fingernails as he waited. After a few minutes, Joker returned, his face bright red.

"They're grounding me." He muttered sourly. "Putting me in systems analysis for a few months. I'm a fucking pilot. What the hell?" He dropped himself into his chair, and crossed his arms.

"Alenko." Anderson's voice boomed out into the small room. Kaidan sighed and trudged into the office. _I have a feeling this is not going to be good. _He stood at attention in front of the large desk, staring over the Councilor's shoulder.

"Yes, sir."

"Alenko, sit down." Startled, Kaidan hurriedly sat in the chair behind him. "I know I should be sending you back out into the field like the rest of your crew mates, but I have something different in mind. You were closest to Shepard, _professionally_..." He shot Kaidan a knowing look. "And you were there through the entire mission with Saren. As much as the rest of the Council and Alliance want to think its over, I believed Shepard when she said the Reapers were still out there. I want you to spend a few months with the analysis teams, going over the data we recovered from Sovereign. But then your Alliance orders will kick in, and they'll be sending you back out. You are one of the strongest biotics we have, and it would be a shame to keep you behind a desk." He frowned, then leaned forward conspiratorially. "There have also been strange reports about the organization Cerberus. They've gone completely dark. We've intercepted some communications, and have a small intel team trying to decode them. I have a feeling they know something, and I want you to touch base with the intel group. A Lieutenant Stevens will be waiting for you at your temporary office to debrief you."

He stood up, signaling the end of the meeting.

"I need you to know what to look out for. If the Reapers are coming, I want to know. Dismissed."

Kaidan saluted, and returned to Joker.

"Grounded?"

"Only for a few months."

"Lucky. I'm going to be stuck in this stupid chair forever." Kaidan followed his friend out into the hallway and towards the analysis offices. "Although Anderson did say if I hated it, I could take an honorable discharge and go fly in the private sector."

"That's nice of him."

"I think he just doesn't want to listen to me whine about it. Anyway, lets meet up later this week for drinks, and compare how crappy this is."

"Sounds like a plan."

He left his friend in the hands of the analysts, and wandered off to find his own new office. It was a small, windowless room with two large desks and a wilting potted plant. Sighing, he sank into one of the chairs, leaned back, and put his hands behind his head.

"Hey, man, you're in my chair!" Startled by the voice, Kaidan almost tipped the chair backwards, catching himself at the last minute. He looked up into a familiar face surrounded by blonde curls.

"Stevens?" His friend from basic training grinned down at him.

"Glad to see you alive, man! I heard about your ship blowing up. That sucks."

Kaidan's heart sank.

"Yeah. That about sums it up."

"Oh, hey, I'm sorry. I was just trying to keep things light." He sat down at the other desk. "Look, you can keep that desk, not like there's really a difference between the two."

"Thanks, I guess."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"The crash? Not really." Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. He had found himself doing it so often that the skin was getting sensitive. "Anderson said you were working in intel?"

"Yeah, I was doing liaison work out in the colonies, but here were a few two many complaints."

"From governors?"

"Fathers, actually." He grinned wickedly in a way that reminded Kaidan of Shepard. "So they sent me back to the Citadel to keep an eye on Cerberus."

"Yeah, Anderson mentioned they had gone dark."

"Its the weirdest thing." He ran his hand through his thick curly hair. "They usually have several operations running at once, but they've all shut down. They are focusing on one now. We don't even know what it is, but its big. We intercepted a transmission about it, and my people are working on decoding it. Here, I'll show you what I have so far."

Kaidan scanned the datapad. Only a few sentences were legible, they spoke of two individuals named L and T, the Shadow Broker, and Omega Station. It then mentioned diverting all funds to an unnamed project. He read it twice, making a mental note to check into news from Omega.

"This isn't that much." He tossed the datapad back to Stevens.

"Yeah, that took us two days to decipher. Hopefully by the end of the week we'll know what the hell this project is." Stevens stood up and stretched. "I have to go meet with some of my people. End of the week, we should meet up for drinks. I'll introduce you to my girl."

Kaidan nodded, and Stevens exited the room, leaving Kaidan alone with his thoughts.

As the week went by, Kaidan scoured the extranet for word from Omega. There wasn't much news, the Station was full of people who made a point to stay out of sight. The only information of note was some issues the Blue Suns mercenary groups seemed to be having. Dejectedly, he left his office to meet Joker and grab a beer. His crushing depression about Shepard had settled into a permanent numbness; he set up a routine for himself to follow mindlessly. Wake up. Stare at picture. Shower. Dress. Work. Stare at picture. Sleep. Seeing Joker would introduce a nice variation.

"I can't do this." Joker complained as they sat at a small table. "Its only been a week, but I can't handle not flying." He sighed, took a long drink of his beer and looked at Kaidan guiltily. "I think I'm going to take the discharge. I've... had an offer from the private sector."

"Seriously?" Kaidan's mouth dropped open. "You're just going to give up? You'll get back in the cockpit soon. I bet when I get reassigned in a few months, you'll get sent back out."

Joker stared into his glass.

"I really need to take this job." He said quietly. "I can't talk about it right now, but I have to do this."

Any further questioning was interrupted by Stevens and a petite young woman.

"Oh hey." Kaidan said, "Stevens, this is the guy I was telling you about."

Stevens grinned and stuck his hand out.

"Hi! Lieutenant Troy Stevens! And this is my girlfriend Elsa. She's a doctor at a clinic in Bachjret Wards." The small blonde nodded shyly.

"Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau. Well, not anymore. I'm taking a discharge. You call just call me Joker." They shook.

"You were on the Normandy as well?" Stevens and Elsa pulled up chairs and sat down. "Man. Rough stuff." He looked down thoughtfully for a moment, then perked up. "Alenko, we got more of that communication decoded! That project Cerberus is putting all its resources into? Its called Project Lazarus." Joker went pale. "I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds huge."

Kaidan stared at Joker suspiciously. Something was definitely up with his friend.

"Oh wow. Look at the time. I gotta get going. Early shuttle out and all." Joker pushed his chair away from the table. "Alenko, I'll keep in touch. I promise." He nodded at Stevens and Elsa, and let his chair carry him out of the bar.

"He is a very strange man." A slightly accented voice said from across the table. Kaidan looked up at Elsa, the small doctor wore a look of confusion. "Is he normally like that?"

"He's upset the Alliance won't let him fly. He practically lived in the Normandy cockpit. The Alliance grounded him after the our ship blew up." Kaidan sighed. "I really don't want to talk about the crash. Tell me about you guys."

That was a mistake. Seeing his old friend settled down with a loving girlfriend just highlighted everything that had slipped away from him. He drank his beer, and watched the condensation gather on the side of the glass, half listening to Stevens.

"And that's how we met!" His friend laughed, then frowned at Kaidan's expression. "Hey man, you doing okay?"

"Yeah. Sorry. Just... thinking about the crash. I lost... someone special."

"Oh. Shit. I didn't know. We'll shut up." Stevens reached across the table and grabbed Kaidan by the shoulder. "You do what you gotta do, and when you're ready, let us know. We'll set you up with one of Elsa's coworkers."

"Um. Thanks." _That'll be the day. I fucked things up with Rahna, and I couldn't save Shepard. I'm just going to stay away from women forever._

Stevens flashed him a grin, and stared at his datapad.

"Man, I can't wait to figure out what this Lazarus thing is. I bet its huge."

Kaidan marveled at his friend's optimism. For him, that feeling had died with Shepard. _I really don't care what this Lazarus thing is, I just want it to keep me distracted. There's only one thing I want in the galaxy, and nothing can give her back to me. _

(A/N wow. Hello everyone! Thank you for finding my sequel, and being so supportive! I know this storyline is going to be rough, but I'm going to power through, so we can get to Shenko love in ME3. Less than 2 months to go! Anyway, I hope you guys like it, and stick around!)


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

In his small office on the Citadel, Kaidan set down a datapad and leaned back in his chair. He had spent the five months investigating the strange actions of Cerberus, and the movement of Geth across the Galaxy, and the combination of his service record and hard work had finally earned him recognition from the Alliance Military, who had promoted him to Lieutenant Commander. The promotion didn't mean much to him, the pay raise wouldn't go towards a life after the military, any money he didn't spend on food or beer went into an account and remained mostly untouched. But his friends thought it was a big deal, and were dragging him out to celebrate. When he was with them, he tried to be happy, but still carried a dull ache in his chest. The crushing depression had lessened, but when he wasn't working, he found himself dwelling on his guilt of how he had failed Rahna, Ashley and Shepard. There were days he was tempted to look up Rahna's file, to find her, to just to see how horribly he had screwed her life up, but he always managed to talk himself out of it. She was better off without him, if he got involved in her life now, he'd probably get her killed somehow.

The door swung open, and his friend and colleague Troy Stevens burst in. The happy-go-lucky Lieutenant had taken it upon himself to keep Kaidan social. If it hadn't been for him and his girlfriend, Kaidan would have spent all of his time curled up in bed, staring at the wall. Stevens dragged him out to the gym, to bars, and even on a short weekend leave to his mother's house on Terra Nova. The lanky blonde leaned against the door, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Are you done yet? Everyone's waiting for you!"

"Almost." Kaidan turned back to his terminal and finished the bank transaction he had started earlier. Stevens frowned.

"Sending money to that family again? Have you at least told them who you are?"

"No. But it makes me feel better, okay?" For the last six months, Kaidan had been sending credits to Ashley's family, since she had joined the Alliance to help rebuild her family name, and support her sisters. After her sacrifice on Virmire, she had been awarded the Salarian Silver Dagger, and the Turian Nova Cluster, which did more than enough to make her name that of a hero, but provided no financial help. Since Kaidan felt directly responsible for her death, he thought it was only fair he made anonymous deposits into the beneficiary account the Alliance had set up for the Williams. It helped with the guilt. A little. The transaction finished, he turned off the terminal and followed his friend out into the wards.

When they arrived at the bar, a glass of beer was thrust into Kaidan's hands, and he was swallowed into a group of well wishers. Since his posting on the Citadel, he had spent most of his time with Stevens, who's friends had swiftly adopted him into their circle. Elsa, Steven's doctor girlfriend was there as well, surrounded by other girls from the Citadel's various clinics. Kaidan politely avoided them whenever he could, Elsa was forever trying to set him up with her friends, and the last thing he wanted was someone to remind him of his failures. He waved at Elsa, then took a seat as far away as he could.

The chair next to him pulled out, and Garrus sat down, much to Kaidan's surprise. He hadn't seen his friend very often, C-Sec had been keeping the Turian busy with monitoring the Citadel repair teams.

"So they finally promoted you!" Garrus took a large sip of his drink. "Wish I could say I wasn't jealous."

"Whats going on?"

"No, we're here for you, you don't want to hear me whining."

"Garrus. What's going on?"

The Turian sighed, and scratched his chin.

"The Council had released an official statement saying the attack was the work of the Geth, not a Reaper. Even though we all saw it, they are telling everyone that Reapers don't exist. I tried to get a meeting with the Turian Councilor, but he blew me off." He took another long sip. "I'm getting to a point where I can't deal with it. I want to be doing something. Shepard showed me how much of a difference one person could make, but everything I try to do, I'm blocked."

"You aren't thinking of leaving C-Sec, are you?"

"I'm not sure. I have some colleagues who are like minded, and want to act. I'm not sure if I want to abandon C-Sec, though. Its a huge risk."

Kaidan nodded his agreement, and turned his attention to the other people at their table. Stevens had sat down across from him, a wide grin on his face.

"Didn't think I'd invite your Turian friend, did you?" He reached across the table and shook Garrus's hand. "Always nice to see you, Garrus."

"Likewise, Stevens." Garrus cocked his head and stared at the Lieutenant. "You seem overly excited about something."

Stevens looked around quickly and cautiously, sending his short blond curls bouncing.

"So I've been having a Corporal research more into this Lazarus project. Apparently, top biological scientists and medical officers from different colonies have been recruited by smaller firms that all report back to Cerberus. None of them know exactly what they are working on. The ones we've been able to track down have been working on tissue reconstruction and nerve damage."

"Creepy." Kaidan grimaced.

"I know! But it gets weirder. I had this guy research what Lazarus actually means." He stopped to down his beer. "Was your family religious at all?"

Kaidan shook his head.

"Dad didn't think we had time for things like that."

"Too bad we don't have Ashley here." Garrus added. "She was pretty up on Human religion."

"Yeah."

"I get that. We weren't religious either." Stevens nodded. "Anyway, I just got his report about the historical meaning. Apparently, he was this guy that Catholics believe Jesus raised from the dead."

"So, you think they're working on a way to bring people back from the dead? That's a little far fetched."

The grin faded off Stevens' face.

"I have… a theory. I don't have any proof, just a gut hunch. I don't think they are working to bring everyone back from the dead..."

"Troy. Spit it out."

"After the crash of the Normandy, there were reports of a high number of ships cruising the Amada system."

"Probably scavengers." Garrus said. "You don't actually think..."

They both stared at Kaidan.

"That's impossible." He stared at his hands. "Joker saw her get spaced. You can't come back from that."

"I'm sorry, I thought you might..." Stevens looked dejected. The expression looked foreign on his usually sunny face. "I know we're here to celebrate your promotion, I just thought... your Commander might be..."

"Yeah. My... Commander." Kaidan drank his beer in one go. "Someone get me another, please?"

Garrus stood up in a hurry to grab another round from the bar as a shock of realization crossed Steven's face.

"She was the... oh. fuck. I am such an ass." He buried his hands in his hair. "Look, I had no idea."

"You're the only person in the Alliance, apparently."

Garrus returned, sliding drinks across the table. Kaidan drank half of his before he spoke again.

"Look. Its taken me this long just to be able to function. Do you know how many nights I stayed up, hoping for something like this? I can't let myself get caught in that again. Shepard is dead, no crazy Cerberus scientists are going to bring her back." He finished his beer, feeling his brain start to go fuzzy. "Shepard is spaced, Ashley is nuked, they're both my fault, and I'm going to have to live with that forever." He reached across the table, grabbed Stevens' beer, and downed half of that.

The rest of the night was a blur. He remembered talking to various people, even spending time with Elsa and her giggly friends. Garrus helped him back to his room and sat him down on the bed. He picked up the holophoto from the nightstand, and handed it to Kaidan.

"Look. Do you think there might be a chance..."

Kaidan took a long moment to focus on his friend.

"I want there to be a chance. More than anything. But I can't. I just can't right now. When it turns out to be false, it'll kill me. You were right. I have to keep going, carry on what she started. Make the galaxy a better place."

The Turian stared at him, a thoughtful expression in his eyes.

"You need to sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow."

Garrus left, closing the door softly behind him. Kaidan kicked off one of his boots, decided the other one took too much effort to remove, and fell back onto the bed. He held the holophoto above his head, scrutinizing it carefully. _Are you not dead? You have to be dead, I'd know if you weren't. I don't know how, but I would. _He laid the photo on his chest and closed his eyes.

He hadn't realized he had fallen asleep until his eyes opened and he was back on the Normandy. The lights were dimmer than normal, and there was a low hum, like the engines were running at full power. As he ran his fingers over his station, the metal made his fingers tingly slightly, like a static shock. _I haven't had one of these vivid dreams in so long. I thought I was done with them. This is what I get for drinking all night. _He sighed, and studied his station, he had spent so much time there that he remembered every detail of it. Familiar laughter startled him out of his concentration. _Please no. I can't deal handle them both. _He looked anyway. Shepard and Ashley sat at the mess table, cards strewn everywhere.

"Look at you being all sneaky, LT! I didn't even hear you come on board." Ashley smirked at him, kicking out a chair for him. "Didn't know you were joining us so soon."

"Kaidan." Shepard stood up, on the other side of the table. "You shouldn't be here yet."

"Why?" He leaned on the back of a chair. "Why can't I be here now?"

"Because we aren't really here, LT. You know how this works. We're just manifestations of your guilt."

"Damn, Ash, when did you get so smart?" She made a face at him. "But if you're in my head, then I can stay as long as I want." He started making his way around the table towards Shepard.

"No, Kaidan. You can't. You're going to wake up." Shepard moved the other way, keeping the table between them.

"Shepard, they say someone is trying to bring you back. If they do, you have to find me."

She smiled sadly.

"I would, but I'm not her. I don't know whats going on any more than you do."

He stopped moving, and faced two of his life's greatest tragedies.

"How long will I have these dreams? When I was dealing with my guilt about Rahna, I dreamed of her for years. Are you two going to be around that long?"

"I don't know. I think we'll be here until you deal with us." Ashley shuffled the cards.

"Ash." He said softly. "Do you blame me?"

"You know the answer to that, LT."

"Obviously I don't, if I'm dreaming of you."

He looked up at Shepard. He missed her so terribly, his whole body ached. She was just standing there. When he had dreamed of Rahna, he had been able to pick her up, smell her, move her. Why not now? He rushed around the table towards her.

"Wait!" But it was too late. Just as his fingers were about to reach her, she cried out again. "Kaidan!"

He woke up clutching his pillow.

_Fuck. _

He threw the pillow across the room, and rolled on his side, causing the holophoto to slide off his chest onto the bed with a soft noise. Picking it up, he tried to remember how much of the night had been a drunken blur and how much had been an actual nightmare. Shepard's face grinned up at him in the darkness, and he set the photo back on the nightstand. _I can't put faith in groundless rumors. I'm so sorry, love. I have to let you go. _He stared at the photo until sleep retook him.

The next morning he groggily dressed and stumbled down to his office. Clicking on his terminal, he looked over his extranet mail until something strange caught his eye.

_A message from Joker? What? Its been months! _He clicked it open and scanned the edited message.

"Alenko!

Finally finished orientation and now am stationed at {REMOVED} with {REMOVED}. Its alright, they're letting me fly again. I can't believe how much I missed it. But I just had to tell you to keep your ears open. There is some crazy stuff happening here, they are very interested in {REMOVED}. I'll tell you more when I know for sure, but in another year or so we might have {REMOVED}. They are watching me pretty carefully, but I sent this from a public terminal while on my weekend leave, so they might not notice. Anyway, I have to get back, but hopefully I'll run into you soon.

-Joker"

Kaidan frowned._ Who the hell did he get a job working for?_

"Stevens, check this out."

Stevens leaned over his shoulder and read the message.

"That's weird." Stevens gave a shrug. "I have an hour or so free today. If you forward that to me, I might be able to see what network it came from."

"Great. I want to make sure he's not mixed up in anything too weird."

Mapping Geth sightings took up the rest of Kaidan's day, he hadn't even notice the time passing until a soft cough brought him out of his concentration. He turned to face Stevens, who leaned against the door frame, datapad in hand.

"This message proved harder to trace than I thought. I've been working on it all day." He slunk over to his chair and collapsed into it.

"Didn't you have other work to do?"

"I did, but I never let a challenge go. Besides, this ended up being more helpful than anything I've had in a while."

Kaidan stared at him in confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

"This message has been rerouted through four different servers. He may have sent it from a public terminal, but it didn't go straight to you."

"So whoever he's working for really doesn't want anyone to know."

"Probably until whatever mystery project he is talking about is finished. But I think I know." Stevens paused, possibly for dramatic effect. "I was able to catch a break, since the message was edited, they got sloppy with the rerouting. I was able to find 2 other messages in our database with the exact same route. They must not care with harmless personal messages."

"What? Who are you talking about?"

"Your pilot friend... it looks like he got a job with Cerberus."

Kaidan's mouth dropped open.

"That's crazy."

"And if he is, then the project he's talking about must be Lazarus!" Stevens was practically giddy with excitement. "If you respond to him, don't let on that you know. They may cut off all communication privileges."

"I repeat myself. That's crazy." Kaidan shook his head and stood up. "I'm going to check in with Garrus, he wanted to see me."

Walking through the halls of the Citadel, he turned the message over in his head. Joker, working for Cerberus? There was no way that was true, he knew the kind of horrible things they had done. But if he had gone to work for them, something big must have swayed him. _I'm not even going to waste a second of thought on what Stevens said last night. _But if Joker was with Cerberus, he might be a valuable contact. _I'll reply when I get back, hopefully by then I'll have figured out something to say to him. _He headed into the back corridors of C-Sec and stopped outside of Garrus's office.

"Why are you packing?"

Garrus looked up, a guilty expression on his face.

"I thought a lot about what you said last night. About moving forward, carrying on what Shepard started."

"You can't do that at C-Sec?"

"No." He sighed. "There's too much bureaucracy. I spend all of my day doing paperwork. I want to be back out in the action!"

"I don't know." Kaidan said, leaning against the wall. "I'm rather enjoying not having everyone I care about die horribly."

Garrus stared at his feet for a moment, then went back to putting his things in a small box. Kaidan walked over to investigate the Turian's desk trinkets. A framed photo of his C-Sec certification, some model ships, and a small golden cross on a chain. Kaidan picked it up and held it out to Garrus.

"Why do you have this?"

"I saw it in a shop. I wanted something to remember Ashley by." Kaidan raised his eyebrows. "No, not like that. I respected her as a crew mate, and felt like we could have one day been friends. Besides, if you had died on Virmire, I would how found something to remember you by. Maybe a small jar of whatever you put in your hair to make it do that."

Kaidan instinctively ran his hand over his hair and glared at his friend.

"Do you have anything for Shepard?"

"Nothing like your photo. Councilor Anderson gave me a small N7 patch after her services." He lifted the small piece of fabric up out of his box. "Its not actually hers, it came out of stores, but its the best he could do." He gently placed it back in the box. "I just want to remember what we've lost. What we are fighting for."

Taking the small cross from Kaidan, he wrapped it gently in fabric before setting it next to the N7 patch.

"So that's it? You're heading off to places unknown, just like Joker?" Kaidan tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

"No. I'm going to Omega. I think I can do some good there, take down some of the more horrible criminals. I have a few contacts of people who want to help. And I'll stay in touch."

"Speaking of staying in touch... I got a really strange message from Joker. It was censored and rerouted. Stevens thinks he's working for Cerberus."

Garrus stopped packing and stared at Kaidan.

"Cerberus? That's crazy."

"That's what I said."

Shaking his head, Garrus put the last of his things in the box and picked it up with one hand.

"Look, if he did, then he must have a good reason. I just hope he knows what he's doing." He passed Kaidan and turned back. "I'll send you a message when I get to Omega. And I promise to stay in touch. I'm not going to drop off the edge of the galaxy."

"Take care of yourself, Garrus."

"You too, Kaidan."

They shook hands and parted ways, possibly for the last time. Kaidan had heard the rumors of Omega. The hotbed of criminal activity and corruption would be a magnet for Garrus's crazy vigilante ideas. _I just hope it doesn't end up getting him killed._

Over the next year and a half, he heard from Garrus sporadically, The messages were brief, and so vague they were practically written in code. A few weeks ago, a news report had come over the extranet about a lone vigilant on Omega named Archangel that all of the merc groups were after. Kaidan had sent several messages, but Garrus never responded, which was worrying. Still, they were better than Joker's messages which were so heavily censored they were practically unreadable.

He turned back to his console, where a small chat window was blinking.

Kaidan Alenko (Location: Citadel)

Jeff Moreau (Location: {REMOVED}

09:10: J:Alenko, you there?

09:10: K: Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. What's going on?

09:12: J: Just cruising the galaxy. Taking a break right now while the ship is on auto pilot.

09:12: J: Well, glorified auto pilot.

09:12: K: What do you mean?

09:13: J: They gave my {REMOVED} an {REMOVED}!

09:14: K: Wow. Even your chats are censored?

09:15: J: Dammit. Miranda, Can't a man have a little privacy?

09:15: K: Who's Miranda? Joker, what's going on?

09:16: J: She's this {REMOVED} {REMOVED} {REMOVED} that works for {REMOVED}.

09:17: K: I see...

09:17: K: By the way, have you heard from Garrus recently? I've heard weird things coming out of Omega.

09:18 J: Yeah, he's okay. Pretty angry, though. But what else is new?

09:19: J: I can't say more, since we aren't alone, but there is big news.

09:20: K: Make it quick, I have a meeting with Councilor Anderson in ten minutes.

09:20: J: She won't let me say anything, but {REMOVED} {REMOVED}

09:20: J: Dammit, Miranda! He has a right to know!

09:21: K: Know what? Joker, what's going on!

09:22: J: She's-

{USER LOGGED OFF}

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. _That's was weird. Glad I'm not working with that Miranda woman, whoever she is._ _But I wonder what Joker wanted to tell me?_ _He can't even tell me he's working for Cerberus. _Grabbing his datapad, he left his small office and headed up to Anderson's office. As he did, he cause the end of a Citadel News Network report.

"Several mercenary groups on the notorious hotbed of criminal activity Omega are currently under attack y a lone Turian vigilante known only as Archangel. Recently, this shadowy figure was spotted in the company of a woman resembling the long dead Spectre Alliance Commander Shepard. We will continue bringing you information on this story as it develops."

Kaidan dropped his datapad. _What? Omega? That's where Garrus... Archangel? No. And if it was him, and Shepard.. _He swallowed hard. _If she's not dead, and he found her, they would send me a message. They wouldn't leave me hanging._ Still lost in his thoughts, he wandered into the Councilor's office. Anderson nodded at him, and gestured to a chair.

"Alenko, I have two pieces of news for you. First, I'm going to assume you've seen the reports about colonies vanishing?"

"Yes, Sir. I read the file on Freedom's Progress."

"We'll we've gotten a tip off that whatever this is might be heading towards Horizon, in the Iera system of the Shadow Sea. We also have reports that Cerberus in involved somehow. Since you've been monitoring them for the last two years, I want to send you out to assess the situation. You'll spend a few days at Freedom's Progress with a small team, looking for any clues to what happened, before moving out to Horizon."

"Won't that raise some alarm with the colonists?"

"You'll be going under the pretense of installing defense towers. That will get you sufficient access to all the information you need."

"Will they take orders from me?"

"They will be civilians, so not officially, but I think they will respect you for your rank. Which brings me to my other news." He stood up, and stood at attention. Kaidan sprung out of his chair and saluted. "Lieutenant Commander Alenko. On behalf of the Alliance Navy, I promote you to Staff Commander." They stood at attention for a few moments before Anderson sat back down.

"Thank you, Councilor. This isn't just because of the mission, is it?"

"No, I believe you've earned it, based on the work you have been doing." He sighed, and his face softened. "I did have one last question for you. Off the record."

Kaidan was surprised to see this side of Anderson.

"Of course, Councilor."

"This is your first mission back in space since the crash of the Normandy. Are you going to be alright?"

"I've been out on ships since then, Sir. I'm not afraid of space."

"That's not exactly what I meant. I know you've heard the rumors. I also know you've been researching the salvage crews near where the Normandy crashed." Kaidan felt his face flush, and looked down at his hands. "What are you looking for, Alenko?"

"Something I don't want to find."

"Do you believe Shepard is alive?"

"I.. don't know. I've heard the rumors, but if she really was, she would have contacted me."

"I see. Good of you to not take gossip and rumor seriously." Anderson stood back up, and a strange look crossed his face. "You're dismissed, Commander. Congratulations, and report to the hanger dock at 0600 tomorrow morning."

Kaidan saluted, and left the office. So he was finally heading back out into space. Had Anderson been trying to protect him this whole time? Keep him on the Citadel on purpose? He probably just thought I was PTSD from the Normandy. He did know about Shepard, after all. _I wonder if he believes the rumors. No, Shepard would have contacted him as well, and he wouldn't be sending me out. He would have told me if he knew something. _

He headed back to his office and smacked Stevens on the back of the head with a datapad.

"Sign off and call Elsa." He said, laughing at his friend's mock indignation. "We're going out."

"What's going on with you, Alenko? You were in a foul mood this morning, and now you're fresh as a daisy."

"Hey. That's Staff Commander Alenko to you, Lieutenant."

Stevens face broke out in a wide grin.

"Way to go!" He stood up and clasped his friend on the shoulder. "Lets plan celebratory drinks this weekend!"

"Can't." Kaidan shook his head. "They are sending me out tomorrow to check out some colonies. Lets head out and grab a drink now, so I can pack."

Elsa met them at the bar out in the wards a few hours later. She was still in her clinic uniform, her blonde hair pulled up in a tight bun.

"Kaidan! I heard the good news!" She hugged him, and sat down next to Stevens. The two of them had spent the last two years tirelessly helping Kaidan get over the trauma of the Normandy and the loss of Shepard. He had no feelings for Elsa, but just being around her and her bubbly personality made Kaidan feel better. He supposed it was nice being around a woman he didn't feel responsible for in any way. He didn't love her, he wasn't her commanding officer, and she definitely wasn't fragile; her attempted brawl with a Turian had gotten them kicked out of Flux on her last birthday. She was also trying to set him up with all the other doctors from her clinic, her desire to double date was insatiable.

"Yes, but he doesn't have long to sit around and gloat about it. They're finally sending him back into space!"

Elsa's face lit up.

"So your ready for that, then?"

"It's been two years." Kaidan replied. "I think its time."

"So..." She said, a sly grin on her face. "Does that mean you're ready to go out with one of my friends?"

Kaidan threw his hands in the air.

"Fine. When I get back from Horizon, you can set me up with someone." He frowned. "Someone normal, Elsa. And just drinks."

"Don't worry, we will ease you back into the world of women." Stevens said with a laugh. "Just don't fall for anyone out on Horizon. Elsa and her friends will be sorely disappointed."

"Don't worry. I'm pretty certain Horizon isn't going to be a high action mission. I'm just going out there, installing the defense towers, then coming back once I have all the information I need." He leaned back in his chair and sipped his beer. "Then life can go on as its supposed to."

(A/N Oh man, I am torn between being excited to write Horizon, and terrified to write Horizon. Hopefully I will get that chapter and the one after it finished before ME3 comes out, then I will play through that. That way I know how to tie this into my ME3 story, and delay that long enough so everyone has a chance to play it. Okay. Lets do this.)


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

Kaidan shivered as he looked around the deserted landscape of Freedom's Progress. He blinked as small snowflakes drifted down, leaving a soft white cover on everything.

"Has anyone been here since we lost contact?" He called over his shoulder to the rest of his small crew.

"No, Staff Commander. We should be the first." A small Corporal came up behind with a datapad. Its only been about 36 hours since the Colony went dark.

"Corporal..." Kaidan turned around to look at the young man.

"Corporal Nicholas Lee, Sir."

"Lee, have you been out to the other colonies that have vanished?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Tell me about them." They started making their way towards the heart of the colony.

"Well, Sir, like you said, they've all vanished. Food left on tables, radios still playing, no signs of struggle. Just, no people. Just like here..."

He trailed off as they rounded the corner. Destruction was everywhere. Mechs lay in pieces all over the small courtyard, slightly covered with a dusting of snow.

"What the hell?" Kaidan knelt down to investigate the nearest mech.

"Maybe they malfunctioned and self destructed?" Lee suggested. Kaidan shook his head.

"This mech was shot. You can see the impact point here." He reached down and pulled out his sidearm. "Corporal, radio the rest of the team. I want a complete sweep of the area before we set up. Whoever destroyed these could still be here."

As he looked around cautiously, Kaidan ran his thumb gently across the side of his gun, he still carried the modified pistol Shepard had given to him so long ago. At least some part of her could help protect the galaxy.

They spent the next hour checking the perimeter of the settlement, as well as the buildings within. Their search did not turn up any hostiles, instead they found a small, sad group of Quarian corpses behind a large crate.

"Quarians?" Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. "There was nothing in the file about there being them here."

"There weren't any." Lee frowned. "Maybe there's some information in the security logs."

Kaidan and Lee entered the small security office, and faced a large wall of monitors. All of them played an eerily silent loop of static.

"That's strange." Kaidan muttered, sitting down in front of the controls. "These should be showing the main compound..." He fiddled with his omni tool, trying to restore the system. "Someone's wiped the system."

"Maybe the Quarians?" Lee suggested.

"Possibly. But why?" Kaidan leaned back in the chair and sighed. "This might take a while to figure out. Let's go check in with the rest of the team."

The remaining three members of their small team were setting up supplies in one of the abandoned housing units. They looked up at Kaidan as he entered the room.

"We only have a few days here before you go back to the Citadel and I move on to Eden Prime. We've already noted some strange inconsistencies with other colonies, not only with the mechs and the Quarians, but all the safes are open. We are definitely not the first. I want you three to keep going with your standard research. See if everything else is the same. Corporal Lee and I will look for more information on who got here before us." He grimaced. "If we don't find anything, that's how I'll know it was Cerberus."

The next few days were uneventful, Kaidan was unable to restore the security feed, and the rest of the team failed to uncover any new information about the colony's disappearance. Dejected, Kaidan made his way to the small camp they had set up to pack his things. As the door opened, the conversation halted, the team staring at him with guilty expressions.

"What's going on?" He said suspiciously. Corporal Lee held out a data pad.

"A report has just come over the extranet. Um. Sir." Kaidan grabbed the data pad and scanned it quickly.

"Shepard's been seen on the Citadel?" He said quietly, sitting down on the edge of a table. "It's actually her?"

"It doesn't say if its actually her or not, but someone who looks very much like her. She was up in Zakera Ward, and in the Human embassy, meeting with Councilor Anderson. She's also been seen with Cerberus operatives."

Kaidan dropped the datapad and put his head in his hands. _She's alive? Does she know where I am? Why didn't she let me know? How long has Anderson known? _He felt a stirring of anger at the news of Cerberus, but pushed it away. _I just have to focus on the fact that maybe she's alive. _

"Right. Let's pack up and get me to Horizon. I want to get back to the Citadel as soon as we can."

Kaidan checked his messages obsessively during the long flight to Horizon. He doubted Shepard's Alliance account was still active, and he couldn't bring himself to message Anderson directly. Instead, he refreshed the inbox every hour until he crawled into a sleeping pod. The last conscious thought he had before drifting off was _not dead not dead not dead_.

Horizon was a beautiful garden planet, reminiscent of both Earth and Eden Prime, and the warm weather and sun were a welcome change from the cold snow of Freedom's Progress, and the artificial light of the Citadel. _Too bad the welcome wasn't warm as well. _Kaidan sighed. He had been on the planet for a week, and the colonists had been anything but friendly. Delan, the mechanic had made it extremely clear to Kaidan that he was not wanted. The hostile reaction to his presence, paired with the lack of contact from Shepard had put him in a perpetually foul mood. All he wanted to do was get the GARDIAN defense turrets calibrated and leave. _I know I'm supposed to be here gathering information, but once the turrets are up and running, they should be a good enough defense for the colony. I just want to leave. _He sighed. _Dammit, where is Lilith? _The comm system had gone down a few hours ago, and the colonist assigned to help him had gone off to try and fix it.

"Lilith, we've got a problem." He grumbled as he came up behind her.

"Still can't calibrate the targeting matrix?" She said, her voice almost mocking.

"The defense towers are useless if we don't figure it out!"

"Sorry, Commander, getting our comm system back online takes top priority."

"Yeah. Okay." he stopped walking. "I'm surprised people haven't tried to blame that one on me, too."

"People out here don't trust the Alliance." Her voice softened. "Its nothing personal."

Their conversation was interrupted by a loud humming noise, like a ship passing too low.

"What is that?" Several other colonists came out of their houses and offices to stare up at the sky. Kaidan pulled his rifle out and sighted on the unfamiliar ship with the scope. He froze. _It looks just like the ship that took out the Normandy. _

"Get everyone to the safe house." He turned to Lilith, her eyes were wide with panic. A large swarm of small flying creatures left the ship, and approached the colony at a high speed. "I'll cover you! RUN!" He yelled at the colonists. Lilith looked at him, hesitating slightly. "Hurry!"

She turned to join the crowd, but tripped over a small hole in the ground. Kaidan grabbed her by the arm and pulled her up, trying to give her a boost towards the safe house. As he tried to follow her, a sharp pain caused him to cry out. He reached up and pulled one of the flying creatures from his neck. He stared at it in his hand for a moment, then threw it to the ground. Still holding his assault rifle, he tried to fire, but his fingers wouldn't respond. As paralysis took over his entire body, he felt panic rising. He couldn't move, and could only listen in horror as the sounds of screaming colonists was replaced by the low hum of the bugs, until that was the only sound. Frantically, Kaidan racked his brain. _I can feel these damn things crawling on me. If I can get them off, I wonder if I'll be able to move? _His eyes flicked side to side. _If I can use my biotics to push them off, I bet I could make it into that office over there... _He gathered his strength, and pushed out with his biotics as hard as he could. The bugs flew off, and he felt sensation come back to his legs. He bolted forward, and flung himself towards the door. He collapsed through it, and lay on the floor breathing heavily as the door hissed shut behind him.

He stayed on the floor for a few moments, gathering his strength after the draining use of his biotics. Finally, he pulled himself up to his knees, and peeked out the small window. A large shadow passed by, causing him to drop back down to the floor in a panic. _What the hell is that thing? _He slowly edged his way back up the wall to the window, and watched in horror as the large creatures dragged Lilith and the other rigid colonists towards their ship. _Okay, if I stay low, they won't see me. They won't know I'm in here. _Kaidan lowered himself back down to the floor and fought off another wave of panic. _This is what happens. This is how the colonies are disappearing. What are those things? Are they working with Cerberus, or is this something new? I wonder if I'm even going to survive to report to the Alliance. _

After twenty minutes, the sound of something breaking atmosphere brought him out of his thoughts. He crawled back over to the window and caught a glimpse of a ship passing over the colony. _The Normandy? But I saw it destroyed..._ _It can't be... I must be asleep, having one of those stupid dreams. _He shook his head, trying to wake himself up. It took him a few minutes to convince himself that he was actually awake, and by that time, he noticed the hum of the swarm was gone, replaces by gunfire. _Someone's here. Someone's come to help the colony. _He took a deep breath. _The Alliance has sent reinforcements! _He waited anxiously until he heard artillery fire. _The turrets are online! _He stood up and opened the office door, shielding his eyes from the sun as the large ship took off. Hearing shouting, he took off towards the center of the colony.

"NO! Don't let them get away!" Kaidan heard the voice of Delan the engineer echo from around the corner, and quickened his pace.

"There's nothing we can do. They're gone." The second voice made Kaidan freeze. _Shepard. _His heart dropped into his stomach. _She's here. She really is alive. _

"Half the colonies in there! They took Egan, and Sam, and Lilith! Do something!" Delan's voice was cracking with stress.

"I didn't want it to end this way!" Kaidan leaned against a nearby wall, listening to Shepard's voice. _Am I ready for this?_ "I did what I could!"

"More than most, Shepard." _Garrus? What the hell is he doing here? _

"Shepard?" Delan said. "Wait. I know that name. Sure. I remember you. You're some kind of big Alliance hero."

Kaidan took a deep breath. _Now or never, its time for answers. _He turned the corner, and walked towards the small group.

"Commander Shepard." She spun to face him as he said her name, and her face lit up excitedly. "Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel." He stopped a few feet away, and studied her. Her hair was longer, practically brushing against her shoulders, and a large scar was healing on her face. Other than that, she looked exactly the way she had when he had last seen her, two years ago. _They really put in the effort to put her back the way she was._ He turned away from her to face Delan. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost." He looked back at Shepard, his whole body ached to hold her and not let go.

"All the good people we lost, and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types." Kaidan barely heard Delan's dismissal, he couldn't stop staring at Shepard. He took a few steps towards her, and she flung her arms around his chest. Burying his face in her hair, he breathed in deeply. The faint familiar scent of vanilla still lingered, and her skin felt wonderfully warm against his. This was the moment he had pushed away as a fantasy for two years, Shepard was alive, and in his arms.

"I thought you were dead." He murmured. "We all did." Pulling her in tighter, he felt the soft flutter of her eyelashes against his cheek. _I don't want to let go of her again. _Reluctantly, he released his grip on her, letting her pull back to face him.

"It's been too long, Kaidan." She had a half smile on her face, but her eyes looked haunted. _What had happened to her when she died? _"How've you been?"

"Is that all you have to say?" Agitation creeped into his voice. _Why is she acting like its only been a few days? She's alive, but never tried to contact me. After everything we went through! Why wasn't I the first person she tried to get a hold of? She had time to go find Garrus! _"You show up after two years and act like nothing happened? I thought we had something! Something real!" All of the frustration, anger and sadness that had been building up in him over the last two years finally boiled over. "I loved you! Thinking you were dead tore me apart! How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" The words poured out faster than his brain you keep up with, and he let his emotions take control.

Her smile faded, and the worried expression in her eyes spread across her entire face.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed." She lowered her eyes, staring at her hands. "You've moved on. I don't want to reopen old wounds."

"I did move on. At least I thought I did. But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus.'

"Reports?" Garrus cocked his head. "You mean you already knew?"

Kaidan glared at his Turian friend. _No thanks to you. And that's the confirmation I didn't want. _

"Alliance Intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors you weren't dead." He turned his gaze back to Shepard. "That you were working for the enemy."

"Building the defense towards was just a cover story." Now she was starting to sound annoyed. "The Alliance sent you here to investigate me. Didn't they?"

"I was here for Cerberus. You were just a rumor. I wanted to believe you were alive. But I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in!" A look of shock and sadness passed across her face, for a moment Kaidan felt sorry, but then the anger came back. "You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

"Kaidan, you know me!" He voice sounded pleading. "You know I'd only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies, and they're working with the Reapers!"

"I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus." He stared at the third member of her squad, an impossibly beautiful woman in a skintight suit, decorated with the Cerberus insignia. She looked away hurriedly, as if she was embarrassed by the conversation. "They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Dammit, Kaidan!" Garrus interjected. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!"

"You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts." Shepard crossed her arms defensively across her chest.

"Maybe." He looked from Garrus back to Shepard, and the long scar that traced its way across her face. "Or maybe you feel like you owe them because they saved you. Maybe you're not the one who's thinking straight. You've changed. I know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not." Angrily, he turned away from her, but she softly called him back.

"I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan. It'll be just like old times." There was a trace of hope in her voice, as if part of her really believed he would come.

"No it won't." He looked back at her over his shoulder. "I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye, Shepard, and be careful."

He made it around the corner before he punched the side of a nearby building and leaned up against it. _How did you manage to fuck that up so badly? Did you have to let your pride get in the way?_

"Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up." Shepard's voice cracked slightly as it drifted on the breeze. "I've had enough of this colony." Their footsteps died away, and soon after he heard the sound of a departing shuttle. He sunk down to the ground, and cradled his face in his hands. _How did it all go so wrong? Shepard's alive. That should be the only thing that matters. _Slowly, other survivors of the attack made their way out of hiding places and congregated in the center of the colony. A older woman ran up to Kaidan, and knelt beside him.

"Commander Alenko, are you all right? Who was that woman?"

"Shepard."

"Has she gone to get our people back?

"I don't know." He stood up slowly, his chest felt like it was going to burst from sorrow and disappointment. "I'll get you her contact information, and you can ask her yourself."

He stalked back to his small office, and checked the extranet. The comm system was back up and running, the Collectors, as Shepard had called them, must have put a block up that dissipated when they left. He sent a request in to Alliance Command for pickup, and stared at his screen blankly, before shutting it off and going outside to aid the colonists. Several hours later, a shuttle landed to take him to the SSV Agincourt as it returned to the Citadel. He spent the entire trip in a sleep pod, drifting in and out of restless dreams. He replayed the conversation with Shepard in his mind, alternately cursing himself for not going easier on her, and not being harder on her. _I'm so confused. Dammit, the one time I let my emotions take over..._

Upon his return to the Citadel, he retreated to his room. He didn't want to see Stevens, and his meeting with Anderson was scheduled for the next day. Sinking into his desk chair, he reached over and clicked on his personal terminal. Immediately, a chat window popped up.

Kaidan Alenko (Location: Citadel)

Jeff Moreau (Location: Normandy SR-2)

15:38: J:You are a complete ass. What did you say to her?

15:39 K:I'm an ass? How long have you known she wasn't dead? Thanks for letting me know!

15:39 J:Hey, I tried! Its not my fault Cerberus was censoring everything!

15:40: K:Well, they aren't now.

15:40: J:Yeah, well its not a secret project any longer, is it?

15:41: K:Fine.

15:43: K:Is she really not okay?

15:43: J:Well, she at least made it into the elevator that goes up to her quarters before she started crying.

15:44: J:I take it the reunion didn't go well.

15:44: K:No, it didn't.

15:45: K:I can't believe all of you are working for Cerberus! You, Shepard, and Garrus? What the hell?

15:46: J:Oh, yeah, and we have Doctor Chakwas, too.

15:46: K:Are you kidding me?

15:47: J:No, she joined up shortly after I did.

15:47: K:Don't you remember what they did to Admiral Kahoku? You guys are messing around with really dangerous people.

15:47: J:I can't talk about that kind of thing, Miranda is staring at me. She's probably reading this now, or will read it later.

15:48: K:Is she the Cerberus woman in the cat suit?

15:48: J:Yup. A real peach. She's the one who was so trigger happy with the censor button earlier.

15:49: J:But look, at some point, think about apologizing to Shepard. She was dead for two years, and now Cerberus is dragging her around the galaxy.

15:50: J:Its been hard for all of us. I know she wanted to tell you. She still talks about you all the time, and your Alliance photo is on her desk.

15:51: K:What?

15:51: J:Yeah. Don't tell her I told you. Talk to Garrus. She talks to him more than she talks to me. But seriously, you royally screwed up.

15:52: K:Tell me about it.

15:52: K:I'll talk to you later, Joker.

15:53: J:All right then.

{USER LOGGED OFF}

Kaidan kicked his shoes off and crawled onto his bed. _Maybe I'll get some actual sleep now that I'm home. _He closed his eyes and rolled onto his side. _It's strange to think of the Citadel as home, instead of a ship. _Reaching over to turn off his light, he knocked over the photo on the bedside table. He opened his eyes to set it back up, and found himself staring at Shepard. _What are you thinking? Cerberus? I hope you know what you're doing. If you die on me again, I'll lose every part of sanity I have left... _He clicked the light off, and shut his eyes again, and a though crossed his mind. _Shepard's alive. She's alive, and she probably hates me. But dammit, she's alive. _For a brief moment, everything smelled faintly of vanilla, then he drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.

(A/N Man, this part of the game gets me every time. But I adore Kaidan so much, and always stay loyal to him in my playthroughs (sorry, Garrus!), that I had to come up with a reason for him to act the way he does on Horizon. That was actually one of my main motivations for writing this fic. Okay, so I have the next chapter leading up to the letter pretty well lined up in my head. Then next week the demo comes out (!). I'm going to play it, and hopefully it will give some indication of Kaidan's attitude towards Shepard at that point in time. If it doesn't give a lot of information, I'll wait till the game comes out properly (1 more month!) before finishing this story. But have no fear, I will finish it, and do ME3 as well!

The other thing about this chapter. It never really gets explained how Kaidan shakes off the seeker swarm paralysis, and avoids the collectors. I had to completely make that up. Its the best guess I could come up with. Ha ha. Anyway, again, thanks for reading, and all of the wonderful reviews. I seriously love all of you!)


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Kaidan woke in the dark, looked across his empty bed towards his clock, and sighed heavily. _Dammit, I still have three hours until I have to wake up. _He closed his eyes, rolled back over, and felt warmth where there should have been emptiness. His eyes sprung open, and looked straight into a pair of large familiar brown ones.

"How did you get in here?" He asked Shepard, reaching out to cradle her face with one hand. Her face flushed red behind a light scattering of freckles.

"I'm not here." She said sadly. "Memories and dreams again."

"But I can feel you. We're in my room, not the Normandy!"

"I'm alive. There's no question of that now. Its not like before. I exist outside of your head now." She shrugged, scooting herself closer to him. "I'm actually somewhere out there, now."

He moved his hand away from her face and let it slide down, tracing familiar curves, running his fingers over the contrast of scars on soft skin.

"Yes, but are you yourself? How much of you was dead when they found you? What did they rebuild you out of? How much of you is the woman I loved?" He rolled onto his back, hands behind his head. Dream Shepard snaked her arm across his chest and pulled herself up to face him again.

"You know, until you yelled it at me on Horizon, you never told me you loved me."

"Never?"

"No."

"I'm sorry."

"Tell me that."

"I just did."

"You should know how this works by now."

He sighed, tired of arguing with his subconscious.

"Shepard, I'm sorry, you may be alive, but I don't know who you are. I want to believe you, but I've spent the last two years investigating Cerberus, and it doesn't look good." He reached up to brush the hair out of her face, but she pulled back.

"I know. You just have to trust me. You've always trusted me. Why not now?"

"Because its Cerberus."

She smiled sadly, and nodded.

"I know. I don't think I'd trust me either."

Kaidan opened his eyes, and looked to the empty half of his bed. Groaning, he grabbed a pillow and pulled it over his face. _Why am I rethinking this? It took me two years to deal with her being dead, and now, she might as well be._ He pulled himself out of bed, ran his fingers through his hair, and threw on a fresh uniform. _The Shepard I loved is dead. Whoever this one is can't be the same person. My Shepard never would have join up with Cerberus. _Glancing at the time, he sat down at his desk to check his personal mail. To his surprise, a vidchat window was blinking. Curiously, he clicked on it, and the face of Garrus filled his screen.

"Are you here to scold me as well?" Kaidan asked, sighing heavily.

"No." Garrus's normally gravelly voice had an even thicker layer of distortion to it. Wherever he was broadcasting from must be far away. "I just wanted to talk."

"I talked to Joker. Is she really that upset?"

"She was pretty angry. She punched the wall of the shuttle, then locked herself in her cabin for a few hours. She seemed a little too calm later though." A brief look of amusement crossed Garrus's face. "After Horizon, we headed to Tuchanka-"

"What? Why?"

"We had to take care of something for our Salarian scientist. But that's not the point. Anyway, remember when Shepard got bit by that space monkey?" Kaidan smiled as he remembered. He had been so doped up after a biotic migraine that day, he had acted like a complete jackass in front of her. "Anyway, the Krogan call them Pyjaks. There was one just sitting on a crate, staring at her. She walked right up, stared at it for a moment, and then punched it as hard as she could."

"She punched a space monkey."

"Yes. A Pyjak." Garrus scratched his chin thoughtfully. "She is definitely restraining her temper less. Since she's not really reporting to the Alliance or the Council, she's taking some big risks, and pulling some stunts I never would have expected of her. Oh, wait..." The Turian reached towards the terminal and hit a few buttons. The door behind him opened, and Shepard walked through. Kaidan held his breath. He wasn't ready to talk to her again. Not so soon.

It took Kaidan a moment to realize Garrus had minimized the chat window, but left the camera on. Shepard couldn't see him. He leaned forward to study her more carefully than he had on Horizon. She looked like she had in his dream, but something was wrong. _She's too pale. _His mind flashed back to the soft tan she had from their days on shore leave, then to the rest of her on shore leave. _She looks like an actual ghost. _The Cerberus uniform looked similar to her Alliance one, but he definitely preferred her in Alliance blues than the black and white Cerberus used. The scar he had noticed earlier seemed to glow white under the florescent light, it cut across the entire left side of her face, but seemed to be healing. _Is that from being rebuilt? Did they literally sew her back together?_ He lightly ran his fingers across the screen, tracing her shape. _Why do you do these things to my head? _

"Do you have a second to talk?" She asked, leaning against the door frame.

"Can it wait a bit?" Garrus responded, nodding at the terminal. "I'm... um... in the middle of some calibrations."

"Sure." She grinned at Garrus, and Kaidan felt his heart drop. _There's my Shepard. Maybe parts of her are still there. But how much? _"We're heading out to Haestrom to pick up Tali. It's going to take us several hours to get there, so I'm going to sleep till we hit the relay."

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I haven't slept since Horizon." A dark look crossed her face, but she shook it off. "And we're expecting Geth, so you should sleep too. You and Jack are coming with me."

She waved her hand sleepily at him left the room, the doors hissing shut behind her. Garrus clicked something on his terminal again, and looked at Kaidan.

"Sorry about that. I don't think she'd be happy about us talking right now."

"I got that. I don't know when I'll be ready to talk to her. I'm so conflicted."

Garrus nodded.

"It was a shock, when she showed up on Omega. I'm sorry you found out the way you did."

"Me too." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Beside the temper thing, is she... her?"

"As far as I can tell. Cerberus really put in effort finding everything out about her." Garrus's face brightened up. "They did miss out on one critical piece of research though."

"What did they do?"

"They gave her a Hammerhead for planetary exploration."

Kaidan put his face in his hands. Shepard was by far the worst driver in the entire galaxy. She was hell on wheels in a Mako, but to give her something that actually flew was a grave mistake.

"Oh no."

"Yeah. Jack refuses to get in it again."

"Who's Jack? You mentioned him before."

"She. She's this crazy biotic girl we picked up from prison. You thought the crew was strange last time around? We just keep picking up weirder and weirder people. I'm surprised Cerberus is letting Shepard bring so many aliens onboard the Normandy."

"So it is the Normandy." Kaidan said. "I didn't imagine that."

"Its... different. Rebuilt. Bigger, with more lights." Garrus laughed quietly. "Better food."

The conversation lapsed into silence.

"I should probably get some shut eye, we've got more people to pick up after Tali."

"What's going on? What is Shepard building a team for?"

"Something crazy. Before I go, Kaidan, think about reaching out to her. She's strong, but what you said hurt her pretty bad. She was dead, actually dead, and dragged back from that. We found out you were on Horizon right before we landed, and she was so afraid you had been taken, she practically beat down the Collectors with her bare hands to get to you." He sighed, the connection flickering as the ship moved farther away from the relay point. "I don't know. Tell her you don't hate her. Say something, she needs to know before..." The picture cut out.

"Before what?"

There was no answer, only the hiss of static.

Kaidan sat back in his chair. _I'm getting really tired of Cerberus cutting off connections right at important parts of conversations. _He clicked the terminal off, and headed down to his office. Stevens was waiting for him, coffee in hand, and a worried expression on his face.

"So... I'm glad you made it back from Horizon!" He held the coffee out, which Kaidan accepted gratefully. "I heard about the attack... and the rescue."

"Yeah." Kaidan sat down at his desk and took a sip of his drink. "You saw her when she was here, didn't you."

Stevens face went red all the way to his ears.

"I only got a glimpse. I was dropping things off at the Embassy, and she passed me. I can see why you..." He stopped, noticing the glare Kaidan was throwing at him. "Its true then? She's working for Cerberus?"

"She was very adamant about working with them, not for them. But at this point, I don't see a difference."

"Not to sound like a dick, but did you get any information out of her or your other friends?"

"Only that Cerberus has rebuilt the Normandy. Improved it, from what I hear. But they know I was investigating them. There's a Cerberus operative on board who monitors their conversations." He leaned back in his chair. "I don't want to talk about Shepard right now. I have to put together my report, and present it to Anderson."

Stevens nodded, and set to his own tasks. They worked in relative silence for a several hours until Elsa burst through the door.

"Kaidan!" She gave his a warm hug, then pulled back to look at him. "I was so worried about you when I heard about Horizon!"

"Thanks. I think I'm alright."

"Do I not get a greeting?" Stevens said, with fake indignation. Elsa wrinkled her nose and stepped away from Kaidan to kiss her boyfriend. "That's better. Hey, babe, you should tell Kaidan your plan."

"What plan?" Kaidan said suspiciously.

"Well, remember before you left when you said you'd let me set you up when you got back from Horizon?" She grinned at him, hope practically radiating off her. _Damn._ _Shooting her down would be like kicking a puppy. Or punching a Pyjak. NO. I have to put Shepard out of my mind for right now._

"Fine. Who and where?"

Elsa squealed and hugged him again.

"Tonight. My doctor friend Marcy Freeman, at the Dark Star Lounge in Zakera Ward. She's working at a clinic there, so she'll meet you after her shift around 21:00. I'm so excited! Don't screw it up!" She disappeared in a blur of hugs, leaving the two Marines alone in their office.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I don't know how you handle her for more than a few hours at a time. She's exhausting."

Stevens nodded sagely.

"Its a talent." He frowned. "Are you ready for this? I mean, you just found out about Shepard, that couldn't have gone well..."

"It didn't."

"Just... make sure you aren't going out with Elsa's friend just to spite Shepard, okay? I know Marcy, she's a good person. I'm pretty sure she is the most level headed of all Elsa's friends."

"I... I don't think that's what I'm doing. I'm moving on with my life."

"Okay then."

"I have to go meet with Anderson. I'll talk to you later."

"Have fun!" Stevens gave him a cheery wave as the door shut.

Kaidan was lost in thought as he made his way to Anderson's office. The Councilor greeted him with a firm handshake.

"Lieutenant Commander. Good to have you back. The attack on Horizon sounded nasty."

"We lost a lot of colonists. I was lucky." _One more thing I survived when I shouldn't have. _

"Yes. Did you find any information linking Cerberus to the attack?"

"Not exactly. A team showed up and fought off the Collectors."

"A team... then you saw..." Anderson sat down at his desk and folded his arms across his chest.

"Shepard."

"Yes." He cleared his throat. "Alenko, I'm sorry. I had gotten word she was alive and working for Cerberus. But they did their research on her while they rebuilt her. They know everything about her. Everything." He looked knowingly at Kaidan. "I'm still not convinced they aren't going to try and find a way to exploit the relationship you two had. That is one of the many reasons why we generally discourage that kind of thing."

Kaidan looked at his hands.

"Yes, sir."

"You can leave the report on my desk, I'll look over it, and contact you if I have any questions."

Kaidan saluted, and turned to leave when the Councilor called him back.

"Alenko, just so you know, the Alliance is thinking of putting together a covert biotic team. I've put your name in for contention."

"To be on it?"  
>"No, to command it. I'll be in touch. Dismissed."<p>

Kaidan left the office, head spinning. He had been doing desk work for so long, the prospect of going back into the field was a little overwhelming, and he wasn't even going to think about commanding a unit at this point. Returning to his room, he showered and changed into a fresh uniform. _Lets get this stupid date over with._ Catching a rapid transit car over to Zakera Ward, he let his forehead rest against the cool glass and stared out at the Citadel. His mind wandered back to his first trip in one of the cars. Garrus had taken up most of the head space, practically forcing Shepard onto Kaidan's lap. She had grinned up at him, setting into motion his complete downfall at her feet. _It all had seemed so simple then. We just had to track down Saren, then we could go back to the Alliance fleet. Now she's dead, then not dead, potentially a traitor, and I can't breathe when I think about her. _He shook his head as he exited the transport. _You are going on a date. Don't think about Shepard. _

The Dark Star Lounge was a loud, trendy looking nightclub, full of dancing patrons and strange looking drinks. Kaidan stood by the bar with a drink, feeling awkward. _I forgot to ask Elsa what this girl looks like. I have no idea who I'm looking for__. _Thankfully, he felt a light tap on his shoulder.

"Lieutenant Commander Alenko?" He turned to face the young woman behind him. She was quite pretty, her dark skin and hair nicely complimented by her dark red dress.

"Doctor Marcy Freeman?" She smiled, and stuck out her hand.

"You can just call me Marcy."

"Kaidan." They shook, and he gestured back at the bar with his head. "Would you like a drink?"

She held up a small glass and shook it slightly.

"I'm fine for now. Should we sit?"

He nodded, and they found a small table away from the dance floor.

"So how long have you been on the Citadel?" Kaidan asked. _This is just going to be all awkward small talk. This is why I don't go on dates._

"Not too long, about ten months. Elsa keeps telling me I missed all the excitement a few years ago." She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure a giant Geth ship attacking was terrifying, not exciting. I'm very glad I wasn't here for that."

"Yeah." _I never want to do something like that again. _

"But I was working in a training hospital on Earth, and the stress was really getting to me. I ended up traveling with a friend for a year, and fell in love with space. So here I am!" She looked around, a broad smile on her face. "I never thought I'd end up on the Citadel, though. I always figured I'd end up in some small colony. I've been placed out here in the wards until a spot opens up in one of the Presidium clinics."

"You must be an excellent doctor. The ones on the Presidium are some of the best I've seen."

Her smile faded slightly.

"You see doctors often?"

"Not too often. I get these really intense migraines." He pointed at his biotic amp. "I'm an L2." Marcy shuddered, then nodded. "When I was on my last ship, the doctor and I had a pretty good working relationship. Elsa gets me tranquilizers now when the headaches flare up."

"Does it happen often?"

"They happen randomly, but also when I'm under a lot of stress. They were pretty chronic for a while two years ago."

She took a sip of her drink, and looked around the bar.

"Do you want to go somewhere else? These kind of clubs aren't really my thing."

Kaidan nodded gratefully.

"Yeah, its pretty loud in here." They finished their drinks, and wandered out into the ward. "Was there anything you wanted to do?"

"We could go see a vid. I hear Citadel is pretty good." Marcy walked for a few paces before she noticed Kaidan had stopped. "Are you alright?"

"Citadel? Is that about the attack?"

"Yeah! Oh, maybe you don't want to see it, being in the military and all. Did you take part in the battle at all?"

"Elsa didn't tell you a lot about me, did she?"

"Well, she said you were cute, and a Marine." Marcy smiled, and blushed slightly. "I agreed pretty quickly after that."

"I.. um... was pretty involved in the battle."

"Oh." She bit her lip. "So that's a no on the movie then. Lets just get a bite to eat. There's a stall a few floors down that sells great ramen."

They made their way down through the levels of the building, passing shoppers of various species and bright neon ads. A floor before their intended destination, Kaidan walked too close to the entrance of a shop, and was startled as an advertisement blared out at him.

"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel!"

He froze, then spun frantically to find the source of the voice. The Asari shopkeeper smiled broadly at him.

"Welcome to Citadel Souvenirs! Would you like a special something to remember your trip to the Citadel? Keep in mind, this is Commander Shepard's favorite store!"

Kaidan staggered backwards away from the store.

"Are you okay?" Marcy looked confused. "Its just a marketing thing. They all do that."

"What?"

"Yeah, every store in the area has that recording playing. You know about Commander Shepard, right? Well, you would, being a Marine. Apparently she didn't die when her ship blew up, and showed up on the Citadel last month!"

"I know." He leaned up against a wall and rubbed his forehead.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, you're fine. Look, I... served... with Commander Shepard. On the Normandy. I was there for the Battle of the Citadel, and when the Normandy went down."

Marcy put her hand over her mouth.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea." They made their way over to a small bench and sat. "Elsa never said anything about that. I wouldn't have brought it up. I feel like an idiot."

Kaidan put a hand on her shoulder.

"Its not your fault. Its taken me a long time to come to terms with things. I thought she was dead, and it nearly tore me to pieces, but then she turned up on my last mission and everything went crazy." He sighed. "I'm sorry. This isn't what you want to be hearing right now."

She smiled knowingly at him.

"No, I get it. My friend that I traveled with, I was pretty hung up on him for a long time. But you move on, get on with your life. Maybe you aren't really ready yet. But you'll do fine. You're a sweet guy."

_You're a sweetheart, Kaidan. _

In his mind he saw Shepard, leaning against her desk as he lay in her bed, still wrapped in her sheets. _I'm not ready. I can't do this. _

"I'm so sorry about this."

Marcy grinned at him.

"Don't worry. I'm not offended. You have to take care of some things. If you're ready to move on, you can always give me a call. If you can't, maybe you should contact the Commander. Work things out with her."

"You are way too nice of a person to be out here on the Citadel."

She laughed.

"Believe me, this is far from the worst first date I've ever had. You didn't spill anything on me, try to sell me to a Batarian pirate, or turn out to be a Volus."

"You don't like the Volus?" Kaidan teased gently, feeling more relaxed than he had all evening.

"I don't mind them, but it is a bit of a shock when you are expecting tall, dark and Turian."

They laughed together, and stood up.

"Thanks for the advice, Marcy. Good luck with the job."

"Good luck to you as well." She clasped his hand. "I really hope you get everything figured out."

They shook, and she disappeared into the crowd. Kaidan lingered for a few moments before heading back to rapid transit and returning to his room.

Kicking his boots off, he sat down at his monitor. In his inbox was a short message from Garrus with no subject line. Clicking on it, he found the only contents of the message to be Shepard's address. He sighed. _I have to put something out there. _

"About Horizon...

Shepard.

I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon."

_What do I say now? What do I tell her? Everything? Everything._

"I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?"

_I hope that doesn't make her seem like I'm trying to make her jealous. Am I? I don't know if she even still feels anything for me. _

"Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore."

_Is she still my Shepard? Have I changed too much in the last two years? _

"Do you even remember that night before Ilos?"

Kaidan felt a shiver go up his spine as he remember the sheer joy of finally pulling her in close. Kissing her deeply. Feeling her shudder and relax in his arms.

"That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you."

_And then you were ripped away from me._

"But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside."

He leaned back in his chair. _I think I'm more hurt than angry, but she has to know I don't hate her. _

"But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again."

_There's the truth of it. I'm never going to be able to stop having feelings for her. I may not like what's going on, but deep down, if she's still My Shepard, I'll always love her. _

"If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself."

_Do I even want her to answer this? I don't want to distract her from whatever crazy mission she's on, I just want her to not hate me for what I said. But what if she doesn't feel the same way anymore? _Kaidan groaned to himself, then fell back onto his old standby, vague statements.

"When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.

-Kaidan"

_Well, that's as good as that's going to get. _He reread it several times over, before clicking the send button. He sat at his desk for what felt like an eternity, mindlessly reading articles on the extranet until a soft ping broke him out of his stupor. He clicked over to his inbox but saw no new messages. On a hunch, he switched to his sent messages. Next to his letter to Shepard, he saw a small line of text next to the subject line.

{MESSAGE RECIEVED}

He stared at the small window until it was replaced by another.

{MESSAGE READ}

His chest was tight. _For better of for worse, I've made my apology and my feelings known. She can now go on to save the Human race knowing I don't hate her. _Frowning to himself, he opened a new message and addressed it to Garrus.

"A favor.

Garrus,

Whatever happens, keep her safe. Watch out for her.

-Kaidan"

He waited a few minutes. _Wherever they are, they're awake and close to their terminals. _Sure enough, his patience was rewarded when a response arrived without a subject line.

"Kaidan,

Like she was my own sister.

-Garrus"

He clicked off the terminal, took his shirt off, and crawled into bed. _What the hell is she doing, anyway? Tomorrow, I scour the extranet for any reports of her. Or of any reports of things blowing up with no warning. She shouldn't be too hard to track, especially if her temper is getting the better of her. _Smiling to himself, he put his hands behind his head. _If I can't be there to help her, at least Garrus is. He'll help keep her under control. _He rolled over, feeling as if a weight had lifted off his chest. He didn't understand why he felt better, but he did. Things were changing, things were happening, and there was a light of reconciliation in the far distance.

(A/N okay, this is the last chapter I'm going to do until ME3 comes out, (17 days! SOON!) I've played the demo about 8 times, and I just can't figure out enough of what Kaidan and Anderson have been doing to move forward. I'm taking the 6th-10th off from work (yay retail!), and I'll take notes as I get information so I can keep going with this story. So stay tuned!

Oh, and my Shepard does stay loyal to Kaidan, she won't be running off with Garrus. I just wanted to put that out there. Anyway, I hope everyone is enjoying the demo and is excited as I am for the 3rd game!

Thanks for reading! I love you all!)


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Kaidan stared at the stars through the window of his transport ship. Somewhere out there, Shepard and the Normandy were off on some insane mission. It had been two months since Horizon, but Shepard wasn't hard to trace. All he had to do was follow the wide trail of destruction in her wake, and listen to the rumors that she was off to take down the Collectors. _What is she planning? How the hell is she going to stop them? _He leaned his head against the cool glass of the window and sighed as the transport approached its destination. He was on his way to Grissom Academy to select recruits for the new team he had been given charge of. Anderson's recommendation had gone far, he was now the ranking officer of the 1st Special Operations Biotic Company, and promoted to Major. His fingers idly ran over the new badges that symbolized his rank. The last few months had been a whirlwind. He was back in the field, Anderson had stepped down as Councilor, taken a promotion to Admiral and Udina had taken his place. _Funny how everything changes at the same time. _

"Major? We'll be docking in just a few moments." The voice of the pilot called out over the intercom. The ship rattled as it bumped up against the airlock of the station, and Kaidan rolled his eyes. _I miss Joker. He never botched a docking. _He stood up, and waited for the door to open. His new uniform felt uncomfortably tight around the chest and arms, the workouts he and Stevens had done must finally have started paying off. As the doors opened, he stepped into the academy's waiting area.

A wave of nostalgia hit him hard. He remembered his first moments at Jump Zero, being a scared 16 year old, separated forcefully from his family, hauled off across the solar system. He wondered if the kids here were actually here of their own free will. Was this place a cold, institutional prison for biotic kids as well?

His eyes opened wide as he stepped into the main lobby. The large open space was filled with plants, warm lights, and smiling people. Two teenage girls ran by, stopping briefly to stare at him and giggle before taking off again.

"Major Alenko?"

He turned to face the blonde woman walking towards him.

"Kahlee Sanders. Hello." She nodded at him, and looked around the room. "Welcome to Grissom Academy. The students that are viable candidates are waiting for you in the atrium."

"There's an atrium?"

"Yes." She turned to look at him carefully. "I hear you were at Jump Zero when it was BAaT." Her eyes narrowed as she studied his face. "I've heard rumors you were the reason it got shut down."

"Those files are sealed."

"I have friends in the Alliance, Major." She turned away from him and started walking again. "In any case, Grissom Academy is much, much different. Our students want to be here, and have come willingly." She pressed a button to open a large door. "Here. These are the students old enough for consideration for your team."

Kaidan walked into the atrium, and stopped short. The room was several stories tall, with bushes and waterfalls everywhere, surrounding small, secluded study areas. A group of seven young adults clustered nervously around a table, their conversation halting as Kaidan and Kahlee approached.

"Major Alenko these are..." Kahlee's voice trailed off as she walked past the small group. Kaidan watched as she knelt behind a small shrub, and curiously followed her. As he got closer, he heard a voice whispering frantically.

"Square root of 906.01 equals 30.1. Square root of 906.01 equals 30.1."

"David, David, its alright. Let's get you somewhere quiet."

They stood up together, and Kahlee led him away with an apologetic look on her face. Kaidan turned back to the students.

"What was that about?"

"That's David. He just got here." A girl with curly red hair pipped up. "He was locked up in some crazy Cerberus base for a while."

"Cerberus?"

"Yeah. A few days ago, Commander Shepard called, and had us send a team to go pick him up. She wouldn't leave him until they got there."

"Shep- Commander Shepard rescued him from Cerberus?" _Why is she rescuing people from her employer? _

"Yeah. I got to go on the shuttle as backup." A pale boy with dark hair looked smugly at the redhead. "I got to see Commander Shepard."

"How was she?" The words were out of his mouth before Kaidan could stop himself.

"Oh man. I've never seen someone look so pissed off before." The boy grinned. "David's brother couldn't even look at her without flinching. She's pretty hot, but I wouldn't want to be on her shit list. She looks like a complete bad ass."

Kaidan grimaced. _I wonder if I'm still pretty high up on that list._

"Did she mention what she was doing?" He tried to sound casual.

"I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to hear it, but she mentioned something about the Collector's base and the Omega 4 relay."

"The Omega 4 relay?" Another girl piped up. "No one ever comes back from there. I grew up on Omega, and everyone knows that thing is a damn deathtrap." She shivered. "I mean, its RED, and that's where everyone says the Collectors go. That can't be good, right?"

_I have to get this conversation back under control. These kids need to respect me as an officer. _

He stood up straighter, feeling the fabric of his uniform strain against his arms. The students stopped chattering, and they all turned to face them.

"So you all know why I'm here. You have been selected as the best students the Academy has to offer, but you need field training." He leaned forward, resting his hands on the table. "I'm here to give you that training, then place you with active units."

The redheaded girl raised her hand tentatively.

"Major, what will we be fighting?"

"At this point, unruly mercenaries, small Geth patrols, and possibly helping with colony defenses from Collector attacks. But..." He looked around at the expectant faces. "I have a feeling something bigger is not far off." _I was there on Ilos, when Vigil warned us about the Reapers. I saw Sovereign. And if the Collectors are working for the Reapers? Is that what Shepard's trying to fight off?_

"Sir?"

"Don't worry about it for now. Lets go over what you've already been trained in. I need to know where to start."

A month later, Kaidan and his students were taking their lunch break in the small cafeteria. He looked around at them proudly; The seven of them had shown great aptitude and skill with their biotics, and after a few more weeks, they would be ready to take out for field training. He settled into his seat, and studied his datapad. He used these quiet moments to try and track down any news of Shepard and the Normandy. He frowned as he scanned the reports out of the Omega system. A ship similar to the Normandy was seen coming out of the Omega 4 relay. He double checked the report. Now several different sources were showing the same thing. A freighter surveillance camera had even managed to catch it. He watch the clip. _That's definitely the Normandy. What the hell was she doing in the Omega 4 relay?_

"Jennifer. Come look at this." Kaidan tossed the datapad to one of his students. "What do you make of this?"

She scanned the articles.

"No freakin' way. Major, are you messing with me?"

Kaidan shook his head.

"That's the fourth report that I've read about a ship coming back through." He pointed. "There's a video, too."s

"But... that's impossible."

"That's Commander Shepard." He smiled to himself. _Impossible tasks are her specialty. _He leaned back in his chair, and put his hands behind his head. _Did she manage to take down the Collectors? Did she actually pull it off? _He smiled. _Of course she did. She's Shepard. She came back from the dead, she can do anything. _

The rest of the group gathered around to read over Jennifer's shoulder.

"Damn. Told you guys she looked like a bad ass!"

Kaidan laughed.

"Alright. Alright. That's enough fawning over Shepard. Time to get back to training. Colin, your barrier still needs work."

The pale boy grinned.

"Its getting better though. I can hold it against everyone but you, Major. I think I'm ready for field training!"

"And I'm not going to take you out into the field until you're ready. Back to practice."

They gathered their things, and headed back to the large room they used for training. Kaidan watched them walk in front of him, a warm feeling of protectiveness washing over him. _These are my kids. They have to be the best if they are going to survive what I think is coming. _He stopped to look around the cafeteria filled with the Academy's other students. _How would my life have been different if I had ended up here, instead of Brain Camp? Would I have ended up with Rahna after all? But then I never would have met Shepard. _He felt his chest get tight, and tried to shake it off. _Would that have been a good thing? _He still dreamed of her, now always in shadow and out of reach.

Two weeks later, he and his team entered the lunchroom to an odd sight. All of the staff and students were clustered silently around a large screen broadcasting the Alliance News Network. Kaidan sidled up to Kahlee and leaned towards her.

"What's going on? Is everything alright?"

"We aren't sure." She whispered back. "An emergency signal was broadcast, and then they said there was going to be a breaking report. We've been waiting for a few minutes... Oh. Here we go."

On the screen, a grim looking man scanned a datapad, then looked solemnly at the camera.

"We have just received confirmation that the Alpha Mass Relay in the Bahak system was destroyed several hours ago."

There was a loud gasp from the gathered crowd, and Kahlee turned to Kaidan with her mouth open.

"I didn't know the relays could be destroyed!"

"I didn't either. I wonder what..." _Oh no. Shepard, you didn't... _He didn't know how he knew she was involved, but destruction on this scale, there was far from any doubt. He watched, horrified, as the newscaster continued.

"The entire system has been decimated. 300,000 Batarian colonists are estimated to be dead." The man cleared his throat. "The Alliance Military has taken recently revived former Spectre Commander Shepard into custody, where she will face trial on Earth. For now, the question remains, what reason does the former Hero of the Citadel have to crash a large asteroid into a mass relay? Are her ties to the shadowy organization Cerberus to blame? We'll have more on this tragedy as the story unfolds. Stay tuned to the Alliance News Network."

Kaidan couldn't move. _What was she thinking blowing up a Mass Relay? Killing thousands of Batarians? Has she completely lost her mind?_ _Did Cerberus rebuild her as a sleeper agent? _Again, his mind raced back to the possibility that she wasn't actually his Shepard. _But she had felt so real on Horizon. Everything about her, the way she felt, the way she smelled... They way she stared at me like I had just stabbed her in the heart... Everything felt like her. _He cradled his head in his hands.

"Migraine?" Kahlee looked at him with concern.

"No. This is just... overwhelming. I need to contact the Alliance."

She nodded.

"I'll take care of your students."

He jogged through the empty academy to the small room they had given him. Before he put his call through, he stopped to look at his photo of Shepard. _I hope you know what you're doing. _He turned the photo so it didn't show up behind him, and tried to call Anderson. The Admiral must have been busy, it took Kaidan several tries to get through.

"Major. I was expecting I would hear from you." Anderson looked tired.

"Yes, sir. What happened?"

"We sent Shepard on a covert mission to retrieve Doctor Amanda Kenson from Batarian custody, and somehow she ended up blowing up a relay, destroying a star system, and practically starting war with the Batarians. So, a typical Tuesday for her."

Kaidan was shocked at the Admiral's deadpan humor.

"Sir?"

"Sorry, Major. Its been a long day, as you can imagine. I spoke to her briefly before she the Normandy headed for Earth. She says Kenson and her team had been indoctrinated by the Reapers. That she was helping them come through the Alpha relay."

A shiver ran up Kaidan's spine. He remembered Matriarch Benezia and Saren, and what they had tried to do while indoctrinated.

"She thinks the Reapers are coming, Sir?"

"Yes. And soon." He sighed. "I hope things are going well with your students. If Shepard is right, we are going to need them soon."

"They'll be ready, Admiral."

"Good. And Major, since you were the one to encounter Shepard on Horizon, you might be called to testify at her hearing."

"Sir?"

"The Alliance believes she was acting for Cerberus."

"Ah. Sir, can I ask you a question, off the record?"

"Go ahead, Major."

"Do you believe her?"

Anderson's face clouded over.

"I've always trusted her. I'm not going to stop now." He picked up a datapad. "Her crew is getting split up, since none of them were directly involved with the relay. One of them, a biotic named Jack, is headed to Grissom as we speak. Be careful, I hear she's a bit... unstable."

"Yes, sir."

"Alright, Major, I'll see you on Earth when you get called in. Anderson out."

Kaidan saluted as the image clicked off. _I'm going to have to testify? About what? Her working with Cerberus? _He stood up and picked up the holophoto. _Looks like I'm going to have to hide this again. _He set it back down on the small table with a sigh, and thought about the last time he had seen her. It had been so strange, seeing her without her seeing him. She looked so tired, but so determined. _She always thought she knew what she was doing. _He jerked upright as he replayed that conversation with Garrus in his head. _Jack. Didn't he say they picked up Jack from PRISON?_ He bolted out of the room, and back to the cafeteria.

His students greeted him with worried faces.

"Everything alright, Major?" Colin was the first to speak up.

"Yes, I just had to put a call through to the Admiral."

"Does this mean we are going to go to war with the Batarians?"

"I don't know. But I think we are going to have to push field training up."

"Do you think we're ready for that?"

Kaidan clasped the young man's shoulder.

"I think so. You are the brightest students I've ever had."

"We're the only students you've ever had, Major."

"Quiet, Private." A broad smile spread across Colin's face. Kaidan knew how desperately his students wanted to be an official part of the Alliance. _I just hope the enthusiasm doesn't get them killed._

"Major, a new teacher will be joining the Academy." Kahlee Sanders had come up behind him. "She'll be training the students that are too young for your team, but show the potential. She should be here later today. When she arrives, I want you to go over what kind of training they need." She looked at the students. "Well? Get to packing!"

They turned to Kaidan, expectant looks on their faces.

He fired off a salute to them.

"Dismissed!"

They saluted clumsily back, then took off running for their dorms. Kaidan looked at Kahlee.

"I should pack as well. Can you send the new instructor to my room when she gets here?"

She nodded, and Kaidan followed his students down the long hallway.

Several hours later, his door hissed open. A small bald woman, covered in tattoos, sauntered in and plopped herself in his desk chair.

"You the Major?" He nodded, and she stared at him, eyes narrowing. "I've seen you before. Did you arrest me for something once?"

"I'm not really the arresting type." He sat down on the edge of his bed with a sigh. "I think I would have remembered you."

Her fingers traced circles on his desk.

"Yeah. But I know I've seen you before. I don't forget faces." Her stare was unnerving. Suddenly, she snapped her fingers at him. "Ha! I haven't seen you, I've seen your fucking picture!"

"What?"

"Your photo!" Her face had an evil grin on it. "In Shepard's quarters. We were playing cards, and there was a picture on her desk. Its you!" She leaned forward, studying him. "You're the ass from Horizon!"

Kaidan felt his face go red.

"Yeah, I guess I was."

"So what the fuck was that about, huh? Didn't like her not coming back to the Alliance?"

_I don't want to explain things to her. This should do it. _He reached into his duffel bag, and pulled out the holophoto.

"Here." He held it out to Jack, and she snatched it out of his hand.

"What is this..." She turned the photo around and looked at it carefully. "Oh. You and Shepard, then."

"Yeah." He shifted his weight awkwardly. "So... about the students..."

"Right." She handed the photo back, and he stuffed it into his bag. "You want them in fighting shape?"

"Yeah. I have a feeling something big is coming."

She nodded.

"Fuck yeah, it is. Shepard seriously pissed off the Reapers. Shit's gonna go down."

"Them and a lot of other people, I suspect."

"Yeah." Jack laughed. "I told her we should have stolen the ship and gone pirate."

They spent an awkward hour going over what Kaidan expected from the next group of students, then parted. The transport Jack had come in on was going to take Kaidan and his students to an Alliance training facility. He followed them on board, and they set up in one of the small cabins. Colin clicked on a small monitor and they all clustered around to watch the latest update on the ANN. The anchor was back, reporting on Shepard's arrival on Earth.

"...Exclusive footage of Commander Shepard being taken into custody by the Alliance Navy after turning herself and her ship in. She'll be held her until her trial in several months, when the Batarian Hegemony hopes she will..."

Kaidan tuned out what the anchor was saying, and focused on the freeze frame of Shepard. She was mid turn, her now shoulder length hair whipping around her face. Her face was set with a grim expression, but there was a worried look in her eyes. _What's coming, Shepard? What do you know? _

He rubbed the back of his neck. _Whatever's going to happen, I'm going to have these kids ready._ _Will I be ready? Will I have to see her at her trial? She probably still hates me after Horizon, she'll really never forgive me if I have to testify in front of her. _

He sat down, and tried to tune back into the news. The galaxy was changing. Things were happening, and he had a sick feeling in his stomach that things would never be the same again.

(A/N So yeah, this one is really short. There really isn't that much to their story in ME2. So I'm going to move on to ME3. I'm posting the first chapter of that at the same time as I'm posting this, so you can find that under my name as "Creating the Future."

About ME3. Thank you so much to everyone who gave me input on the ending. (please don't read this note any further if you haven't finished the game.) I'm going to take everyone's advice, and go right up to the point where I think canon should stop. (Getting hit by the beam. I'm a big fan of the indoctrination theory.) I'll be going off headcanon after that. I mean seriously, I don't want my favorite OTP to be tragic. But part of me holds faith that Bioware is going to fix this with some DLC. It took me 6 months to write my ME1 story, I'm guessing this will take just as long. Hopefully by then, we will have DLC, or an announcement of it, then I can end this with canon. But if they don't, I'm going to ignore Space Brat. Anyway, thank you for reading, and I'll see you all in the next story!

**hugs!**

-Lara)


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